INDYCAR: The Paddock Pulse (November 4 Edition)

Paddock Pulse Splash

Okay, okay, okay. I let this week's Paddock Pulse slip a day (Ed. note: almost two if you look at the posting time) Shut UP, Ed, and get back in your stable! And stop calling me "Wilbur"!

Ahem.

I think I should leave it unsaid (but I won't) that I'm a little stressed trying to juggle three jobs at once. First of all, I can't juggle. Second of all, when a job lands on your head it hurts a hell of a lot worse than a tennis ball, I'll tellyuhwhat.

But hark, what writings through yonder monitor screen break? They are the blogs, and Paddock Pulse is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon with your bloggy goodness!

#tranquilizerdart #straitjacket #asskickingforusinghashtagsinablogpost

  • Rock on, "Thrilla" \m/ [...and he’s on it]
    I love how people say that Paul Tracy's potential farewell tour will give the fiesty Thrill from West Hill the chance to say "adieu." Come on, folks. You think Tracy would EVER speak French (or even French-Canadian) after his run-ins with Sebastien Bourdais and Alex Tagliani? THEY BURNED THE BRIDGES! Ils sont en feu! Oh crap, I spoke French. I'd better go hide in my Tracy-proof bunker. Merde!

  • Edmonton is gone — now what? [More Front Wing]
    Canadian IndyCar pundit Steph is probably grinding her govermentally-subsidized dental work down to the bare nubs over the Edmonton brouhaha. She shouldn't feel sad, though - I have the perfect way to raise the cash that the promoters need to get things going again. HIRE ROBIN SPARKLES! A few choruses of "Let's Go To The Mall" and "Sandcastles In The Sand" should drive in the bucks like mad. Eh.

  • Versus Can Do So Much More [Oilpressure]
    You know what Versus can do? Kick Fox Sports in the cherries, that's what. Seriously. A network that brought us an animated redneck groundhog and his family to "spice up that thar racin' y'all" needs to lose its ability to procreate post-haste.

  • IndyCar Season Review: Mario Moraes [Open Wheel America]
    I'm trying really hard not to spoil the contents of this entry in Simba's 2010 season review. (Ed. note: I'll give you a hint. CRASH DNF DNF CRASH CRASH SPIN DNF HOLY SHIT HE FINISHED A RACE CRASH DNF) Nah, I'm kidding. Ol' Mario, he's okay in my book. I can't help but like a guy who thinks the fast way around the track is riding on top of an Andretti's noggin.

  • Get Your IndyCar Calendar Schwerve On to Help Two Great Charities [pressdog.com]
    Never has there been a better time to use the word "schwerve" than to promote the official IndyCar calendar, which benefits Sam Schmidt's Paralysis Foundation and Racing for Kids. Except that one time when I quipped, "Did you see Danica schwerve into James Buescher just now?" I think I used the word wrong, though.

  • Getting Back Into The Car After A Crash [Versus/Olson]
    I got back into my car after a crash once, but that was to drive away from the blue-haired old lady who, while listening to her "Best of Lawrence Welk's Champagne Music" 8-track tape, decided to drive her Buick into my rear bumper and then blame it on me. Hey old lady! It's a good thing DEATH PANELS are a figment of Sarah Palin's imagination, or else YOU'D BE THE FIRST IN LINE! Muahahahahahahahaha! (Not endorsed by AARP)

  • What’s On The Horizon? [You Don't Know Jack]
    Mr. Arute returns to the blogosphere to take a look into the near future of the IndyCar series, which is a bit of a pity because I thought he was going to reveal his super-awesome 2011 Jack Arute Official Prop Kit and Broadcast Booster box set. What? They don't sell that at Amazon? Dammit, man! YOU'RE LOSING SALES, BROTHER. Get your product out in the marketplace!! (I want my own Arute-signature headphones, skin leatherizer, and press-on goatee!)

Final Thoughts

UMPONLINE.COM/CALENDAR

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