Dinner at Big Bill's: A Questionable Allegory in One Act

We writers often delude ourselves into believing that since we have the capability to type faster than the average chimpanzee, our writing acumen thus qualifies us to excel at any written discipline.

In that spirit, I decided that I would try my hand at a one-act play. I'm thinking of taking it to Broadway, to be honest. It's that good. All I need to do now is get Alan Menken to work on the score.

Anyway, here it is in all of its dubious glory. Enjoy.

THE SCENE: A glitzy restaurant, gilded with miles of neon and dozens of coats of eye-bleedingly bright paint. An SUV pulls into the parking lot, disgorging four nattily-attired men who make their way to the vestibule. As they are seated, a thickly-built waiter approaches the table...

Brian France: Welcome to Big Bill's Happy Shack and Grubbery! My name is Brian, and you will be my eaters today.

Randy Bernard: Hi, Brian! I'm new in town, so I could use some suggestions from your menu. What do you recommend?

Robin Miller: IT'S ALL POISON! POISON, I TELL YOU!!!

Randy Bernard: Don't mind my friend. He's been like this since we had breakfast at that greasy USAC spoon this morning.

Brian France: Never mind that, sir. Here is our menu. Everything on it is the best food you will ever taste.

Randy Bernard: Really? That sounds great, but I wonder if I shouldn't try some of it mys-

Brian France: It is the best food you will ever taste. Or else.

Roger Penske: This is not the lunch you were looking for.

Randy Bernard: This is not the lunch I was... STOP THAT.

Roger Penske: Stop what?

Randy Bernard: I'm buying you lunch, not succumbing to your Jedi mind tricks.

Roger Penske: You underestimate the power of the Force.

Brian France: Excuse me, but are you ready to order?

Randy Bernard: I think I will try your 1/3-pound Angus burger.

Brian France: No, you'll have the Big Bill's Bland Turkey On A Cracker.

Randy Bernard: Um. Okay, well, I'm a little hungrier than that. Can't I have the Angus burger?

Brian France: Trust me. You don't want the Angus burger. You want the Turkey On A Cracker. Although it will taste even better than the Angus burger, which is what we built our reputation on.

Roger Penske: I find your lack of chips and salsa... disturbing.

Robin Miller: Do you know how they make that Turkey On A Cracker? THEY DROWN THE TURKEYS IN ACID!!! Billy Vukovich never would have eaten Turkey On A GODDAMNED Cracker...

Randy Bernard: Look, I'm sure the Turkey is wonderful. But I really want the Angus burger.

Brian France: You're not getting an Angus burger. Who even told you we had Angus burgers? I haven't heard of an Angus burger.

Randy Bernard: It's right here on your menu.

Brian France: If you say so. I haven't heard anything about it. Or seen it. So it doesn't exist. Your Turkey On A Cracker will be up in three-and-a-half to five hours. Maybe longer if the chef finds debris in the meat.

Randy Bernard: Look, maybe I should just go over to that restaurant across the street - they are advertising Angus burgers too. I don't want to cause trouble if you don't want to serve me one.

Brian France: If you go over to the BS Café to eat, you're going to get salmonella poisoning, a tapeworm, and genital warts.

Roger Penske: Don't worry, Randy. You can use my personal physician.

Randy Bernard: I'm beginning to get the feeling that you don't want my business, sir.

Brian France: At this point, I want you to pay your check and leave my restaurant.

Randy Bernard: But we didn't eat anything!

Brian France: You're talking to me, right? That's a menu item. Look down at the bottom in the tiny print.

Randy Bernard: I don't see - oh balls. There it is.

Chip Ganassi: Hi guys, sorry I'm late. I was just watching them drown turkeys in acid out back.

Robin Miller: HATE IS GOOD.

Chip Ganassi: Aw crap. Lemme guess, we're getting kicked out, right?

Randy Bernard: It appears so. Well, Mr. France, thank you for virtually nothing. We'll be across the street if you need us.

Brian France: Good riddance, you losers.

Roger Penske: Come to the dark side of the street, Randy. I AM YOUR FATHER.

Randy Bernard: Roger, I like you, but you're starting to scare me a little.

Chip Ganassi: (whispers) Psst. Brian. Can I get a Turkey On A Cracker to go, please?

Brian France: No.

Robin Miller: You'll RUE THE DAY you didn't offer tenderloins, France! YOU WILL RUE IT!!

Randy Bernard: I think I lost my appetite.

Robin Miller: TO THE MUG 'N' BUN, EVERYONE!!!!!

....aaaaaaaaand, scene.