The Paddock Pulse: December 22 Edition

Only a few more days until Christmas, and I don't know about you but I'm freaking out already. (It's normal to wait until the 23rd to go shopping for presents at the mall, right? No? Ohhhhhhhhh.)

I can't wait to see all the cool gifts I'm going to get from the IndyCar blogosphere for being generous enough to mention them in our weekly Paddock Pulse segment. In fact, since nobody else decided to buy me presents this year, I'm kinda counting on them to have a happy Christmas morning!

(Note from TJ's psychiatrist: Look, we know you guys didn't get him anything. Just don't mention it to him right now. We still haven't figured out the proper balance for his meds to keep him from disemboweling pigeons with a potato peeler so we needed to buy some time. Thanks for your assistance.)

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

• Did It Get Much Better Than 1993? [15 Days in May]
  I guess it depends on who you ask. The Buffalo Bills probably would say no, since they got their coccyxes melted by the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl, and there were those Rodney King riots, and Microsoft cursed the world with Windows NT. So it wasn't exactly a banner year. But hey, if you're a fan of NAFTA, then it wasn't all that bad, right? CONTEXT, people, CONTEXT.

• For IndyCar fans, Christmas came early this year [Indy Racing Revolution]
  I bet if Ponch was one of those people who peek at their Christmas presents ahead of time. LIAR! I TOTALLY SAW YOU! And how do you explain away those bits of wrapping paper in your hair??? Well, now you're SOL for surprises, huh? You're going to be sitting there moping while the rest of us are joyful and half-drunk on spoiled egg nog. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??

• Six Quick Questions With Philip Major [IndyCar Advocate]
  My only question would be, "How ardently are you avoiding military service, Philip?" Because MAN, with a surname like that your life would be hell. "PRIVATE MAJOR! CLEAN THIS LATRINE WITH YOUR ONLY TOOTHBRUSH!" See? Worst scenario since Irving Percy Standing was introduced to the sixth grade students of Snarkface Elementary School.

• IndyCar off-season: the good, the bad, and the ugly [More Front Wing]
  Hey look! Paul made it onto the Pulse! Of course, he had to wait until Steph was laid up after delivering a baby that weighs the same as a barstool, but that's a technicality, right? Anyway, Paul's article is a great read, especially the part where he calls out Tony Cotman at the end - it's about time SOMEONE stuck it to that guy, because man... HE HAD IT COMING.

• Some Drivers We May Never See Again [Oilpressure]
  Here is a list of people who may not be invited to the 2011 IndyCar party, and GODDAMMIT George, you weren't supposed to let these names go public!!! How the hell are we going to explain to them that their invitations will be arriving at NEVER O'CLOCK? We were all hoping to sweep them quietly under the rug. If these guys start calling me to complain, I'm forwarding them to your cell phone, man.

• Role Reversal For Kanaan And Matos [SPEED/Pruett]
  I feel kinda bad that I've left Marshall Pruett off of the Pulse list for so long. In my defense, MP, it's because SPEED has a worrying tendency to lump their ENTIRE RSS FEED into one giant mish-mash of articles. I mean, jeez. Haven't they heard of CATEGORIZING? Aside from "NASCAR" and "Everything Else," that is?

• Simonamania, the Sequel [VERSUS/One Lap Down]
  Jeff has published six articles since last week's Pulse, which either means he's really motivated to write stuff these days or he's being treated as slave labor by the folks at VERSUS. I'm inclined to believe the latter, because those guys really love their whips. Anyway, more Jeff (and, as seen above, more Simona) is never bad news, so we should be happy that Jeff will likely end up wearing leather and a ball gag at some point in the new year.

• Look Who’s Coming Back! [You Don't Know Jack]
  I know, I know - you looked at this headline and thought, "Is it YOU, Jack?" No, it's not, although the Leatherman does make a return from a rather long blogging absence with this piece. He's talking about Sam Hornish who, bereft of his Sprint Cup ride, is reluctantly considering coming back to race in the 2011 Indy 500. C'mon, Sam, you've GOT to do this - once you get a load of Jack's new props, you'll thank me!

Final Thoughts

You tell 'em, Oreo.

John Anderson was that rarest of race-team creatures: A man with no known enemies [ESPN/Oreovicz]