The Paddock Pulse: October 12 Edition

IT'S VEGAS TIME, BABY, which means that the punapalooza is upon us. Screw 2012 and the Mayan end-times BS. The world is gonna end NOW in a shower of flaming, pancreas-spearing agony brought upon us by an inordinate amount of wordplay about Las Vegas, gambling, sinning, and debauchery with regards to this weekend's IndyCar World Championships.

Not from me, man. I don't play my cards that way, not even when the chips are down. WHAT HAPPENS ON THE STORY EDITOR, STAYS ON THE STORY EDITOR. I get a hot idea, I LET IT RIDE and let the chips fall where they may.

Now that we've established that I am a total hypocrite and, moreover, fresh out of any sort of creative juices whatsoever, I'll turn you over to our links for the week. Sorry for crapping out on you.

• If you did not like the Kentucky show then get a life [WideOpenWheel]
  For your information, PAUL, I HAVE a life. I wish people would stop saying I don't have one. Because I totally DO. Wait, am I talking to NOBODY right now? Where did everyone go? My poor dental hygiene, you say? That WOULD explain a lot... yes, that would explain quite a lot.

• Notes Taken During the 2011 IndyCar Race at Kentucky [pressdog.com]
  This is not Bill's most recent blog, but I thought I'd include it because it's not every day that you see a GRAND MAL SEIZURE laid out in print. I honestly don't know how the Kentucky race would have been better for the 'Dog, unless he would have had a keg of his favorite adult beverage delivered to his house courtesy of Danica Patrick.

• Is There Too Much Hype For This Weekend? [Oilpressure]
  This might be a more valid question if the weekend was not taking place in Las Vegas. But let's be frank here. This is a town where a girl wearing a bacon G-string and a headpiece that resembles a Dyson sphere in size and intricacy is a common sight. (Her name is Rio, and she dances at the Sands.)

• COUNTERPOINT: Standing starts [More Front Wing]
  Now, nobody loves a good throwdown between Paul and Steph more than I do. But I think this one might have been more entertaining if they had debated whether the IndyCar drivers should "START STANDING." That's right - standing up in the cockpit! It would make lap 1 at Indy a bit more thrilling.

• OPINION: The idiot's guide to ranking drivers [Racer.com]
  NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO HOOK READERS. Viz., allude to them as idiots. Hell, man, this is the Internet era! Remember journalism? Neither do I. I'm looking forward to Malsher's followup to this article for Cracked.com (i.e. "The 6 Most Mind-Blowingly Awesome Race Car Drivers Ever").

• Appreciate What Newman/Haas Has Done [IndyCar Advocate]
  I think this would be more epic if you imagined Zach dressed in a leather jacket and wraparound shades and speaking the blog title in a Schwarzeneggerian accent. Followed by something else awesome, like him saying, "I LAHK YOU SULLY I KILL YOU LAHST." My imaginary world is TREMENDOUS.

• My Kentucky Race Weekend… Picture Enhanced [anotherindycarblog]
  Guaranteed to provide WIN - a photo of "Suite 69." WELL PLAYED, YOUNG PADAWAN. Because there's nothing better to celebrate a race weekend like the one in Kentucky than a filthy, filthy, filthy double entendre. (At least Eric didn't park in the "Anal Beads Lot," amirite?)

• Q/A With Sarah Fisher [16th And Georgetown]
  Karma loves Sarah Fisher so much that it balanced changing poopy diapers with a RACE VICTORY. Which has me kind of steamed, because I don't remember karma being that generous with me when my kid projectile-pooped onto the far wall of the nursery the first time I changed her pants. ONE DOES NOT FORGET SUCH THINGS.

• At This Point, Anything is a Good Idea [15 Days in May]
  You know, Knappster, I was hoping you'd say this. Because if there's one thing I've always believed, it's that dressing IndyCar drivers up as ham sandwiches is a slam-DUNK for higher ratings. HAM! HAM! HAM! And Swiss cheese. Can't forget that. Although Robin Miller would probably prefer American.

• We Saw It All [...and he’s on it]
  NOT ALL OF US SAW IT ALL. In fact, most of us didn't see ANY of it. So RUBBING IT IN is in extremely poor taste. You know what else is in poor taste? NON-SEQUITURS. I mean, really - is it really that difficult to get animal control over here to get rid of all of these stupid rabbits?

Driver Tweet of the Week

@Plowey: Insurance people are party poopers!

Last But Not Least

I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.