HEY, YOU OUT THERE - yeah, you! The ones putting up your holiday decorations already! STOP YOUR HERESY AND LISTEN!!!
Well, I actually didn't have anything to say - I just want you crazy folks to stop putting up Christmas trees and singing Andy Williams songs IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING NOVEMBER. Now, I'm all for singing "Christmastime is Here" from A Charlie Brown Christmas, but if I sing it for longer than three weeks I start feeling like stabbing things.
If you need shiny, festive signs of happiness, DON'T go to your local Target and head for their ornament aisle - DO check out this week's Paddock Pulse! Our links are good YEAR-ROUND, and they're non-denominational. The perfect gift!
Ho ho ho, ME LOVELIES (That's the only pirate-related phrase Pressdog hasn't copyrighted yet).
Tracy Vows To Continue In 2012 [SPEED]
No word if Paul Tracy is inspired to continue his racing career because he realized he moved to a state populated by Barry Goldwater-worshipping old people who believe children are actual rats that require extermination by poison. All I'm saying is that I understand why he'd want to travel a lot.
Does Larry Curry Get One More Chance? [Oilpressure]
George says, "I'm not usually very astute at connecting the dots." That must mean that he SUCKS at that Bob Evans kids' menu game where you make boxes by connecting dots. Not to worry, George. I'm not that good at it either, which is why I use crayons so that my lines at least look colorful.
IndyCar, NASCAR, and a Question [New Track Record]
Okay, you monkeys out there in the social media abyss have been ON MY ASS about using so-called "million dollar words" like "aberrant," "pulchritudinous," and "equanimity." But Mark here JUST WROTE IN LATIN. Yeah! That. Just. Happened. At least I'm pretentious in a NON-DEAD LANGUAGE.
INDYCAR didn’t do "nothing" [More Front Wing]
So VERY disappointed that Paul used a double negative in his blog title. C'mon, PAUL, I know we're supposed to be word butchers, but that's a rookie mistake, man! I'd castigate you in further detail, but I still need to read the blog post. One sec. *long pause* Oh. Never mind.
Waiting For Wilson [IndyCar Advocate]
Zach's main error here was to start a TrackForum poll as a primary source for his blog post. I will tell you right now that in 98% of TrackForum polls, the winning answer will always be either "IWARM" or "h" - it's scientific fact, kids. I proved it with test tubes.
Engines Engines Engines [anotherindycarblog]
My only question here is why Eric decided to go with "Lotudd" instead of "Juddus." Just seems to me like it flows off the tongue better. Of course, "vaporware" is even easier to pronounce. Just sayin'.
The Amazing Alex Zanardi [15 Days in May]
Fun fact: the most amazing thing about Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis guy is that all of that awe-inspiring stuff they are credited with on the Internet is all due to the fact that ALEX ZANARDI BOTH TAUGHT THEM HOW TO DO IT AND PERMITS THEM TO TAKE CREDIT. Remember that next time you're making snarky T-shirts.
Driver Tweet of the Week
@WadeCunningham: In my absence a midget has driven my car & stolen my iPhone charger
Last But Not Least
Where I come from it's considered only fair to warn a man when he's pissin' on his breakfast.