The Paddock Pulse: April 13 Edition

There are times when one has to look to others for comfort. Discovering that the driver of this year's Indianapolis 500 Pace Car not only is the champion of the long-discredited birther movement, but also decided to sound off in the most ridiculous way possible on religion, is one of those times. 

The worst part? THE GUY WEARS A TOUPEE!!!!

Anyway, just typing that made me feel like projectile-vomiting my breakfast of Cheerios and apple juice onto my monitor, so I must now retreat to the solace of my fellow bloggers' sane commentary and objective observations (and I can say straight-faced because Hobbson is off somewhere shooting small chickens with a staple gun).

Find your zen too after the jump...

• My Random Stream of Consciousness About Barber [15 Days in May]
  I always thought that the term "stream of consciousness" would best apply to when someone is pissing and moaning about something. GET IT?? C'mon, give me a break - it was either that or start quoting lyrics from "Islands in the Stream." I'm sorry, but I'll take a urine joke over a Dolly Parton - Kenny Rogers duet ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

• Barber Recap: Power, Passing, and Viso [IndyCar Advocate]
  GAH! ALLITERATION FAIL! Zach, my man, you almost had it, brother. ONE MORE P WORD! But noooooooooo, like Viso himself, you wrecked it. (I mean, HELL, you had a line item about Penske down there.) I'll give you a pass this time, partner, but propriety points to proper punditry through personal persistance.

• Double-file restarts: there’s no turning back [More Front Wing]
  ...BECAUSE THERE'S NO ROOM TO WHEN THEY'RE TWO WIDE!! /lawyer'd (Welcome back to the Pulse, Steph! Your presence is like an enormous serving of poutine accompanied by a Tim Horton's donut. I don't know if those two go well together, but I'm willing to be the guinea pig.)

• Randy Bernard Interview – Part I [Oilpressure]
  So George is the new Barbara Walters (you can even note the fuzzy photo treatment given to Randy... or was that just someone's hand not being steady?), and I'm pretty positive that in part II he'll get Randy to cry. HE'S JUST THAT GOOD. I'd have asked to interview Randy myself, but I don't think he likes me after all those FarmVille invites I sent him on Facebook.

• Welcome to the Knife Fight, IndyCar [pressdog.com]
  I have to take issue with the P-Dog on this article, because the customer is NOT always right. True story - one of my customers once told me, "You ought to go into business cooking vegan food for A.J. Foyt." I have to say, once I got out of the hospital after getting a tractor driveshaft removed from my throat, I had a different opinion of my customers' ideas.

• Tracy Headed Back To The Beach [SPEED/Pruett]
  If nothing else, I'm glad to see Paul Tracy back racing in IndyCar because it will put his habit of posting pictures of his car collection on Twitter on hiatus. Look, Paul, I don't have to see you bragging about your super-awesome rides to know that YOU'RE THE BOSS, APPLESAUCE. Stop making me ashamed of my Matrix.

• Toy Story [One Lap Down]
  EVEL KNIEVEL!!! Hell to the YES I had a toy Evel Knievel motorcycle with poseable rider as a kid. But I didn't have Hot Wheels jump tracks, because my parents didn't want me denting the walls of our house with my '68 Dodge Challenger that I had painted to look like the General Lee. I ended up doing it anyway by throwing it at my brother. FACE, MOM AND DAD.

• The kid is alright [Versus/Olson]
  The fact that Zach Veach looks 12 and not his actual age of 16 makes his accomplishments all the more incredible. AND ANNOYING. Look, Zach, you're talented, smart, and determined. But you're making us lazy, fat, ennui-riddled 40-somethings feel depressed. I JUST ATE A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER WITH A SPOON! *sobs*

Driver Tweet of the Week

@andretti26: @jamiechesson going to make Cash a twitter so he can start looking at some chicks haha he's almost a year old now he's ready.

Final Thoughts

You brought the f---ing Pomeranian bowling?!