The Paddock Pulse: April 20 Edition

Paddock Pulse Splash

It's not easy writing the intros to these things. Eventually, you run out of snarky things to say and entertaining ways to say them. So you sit, staring at the computer monitor until you can see the miniscule floating debris slowly sliding down your eyeballs, gradually becoming aware that you have writer's block.

THANK THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER THAT THAT IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!!!

*crickets*

Quick... hit the jump before I start typing something stupid about the agony of skin fissures on Bavarian tree sloths!

  • Long Beach and Helio [anotherindycarblog]
    The first entry from our newest blogger, Eric Hall. No word of where his publishing partner, John Oates, is. (Note to Eric: If you are not acquainted with the Philly-based white-bread R&B duo, WHY AREN'T YOU???) REMEMBER... private eyes are watching you.

  • Conway Shoots Through Field for Surprise Long Beach Win [Drive Hard, Turn Left]
    I feel bad for Colonel Potter in a way, because I was the one who recommended him for his gig at SBN Indiana which has kept him away from DHTL lately. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR BEING GENEROUS. From now on, I'm going to keep my big trap shut. PSYCH! I'm never going to shut up!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

  • Drivers seem willing to accept INDYCAR's double-file restarts, but many begrudgingly [ESPN/Oreovicz]
    I'm including this because of the savory ironic value it brings, what with the forecasts of DOOOOOOM from the IndyCar guys about Long Beach carnage if they went double-file at the start... only to wreck themselves anyway after deciding to just do away with double-file starts on their own. I love it when a plan comes together.

  • Pippa Mann: Can She Do It? [IndyCar Advocate]
    A word of advice, Zach - sometimes, you need to define what "it" is. Certainly, the first thing we'd think of, given the recent news, was "make the Indy 500." BUT - what if your article was about whether she could bench-press two African lions while whistling the latest Coldplay single? WE JUST WOULDN'T KNOW.

  • Not INDYCAR’s finest day [More Front Wing]
    PAUL'S TURN! PAUL'S TURN! And he's making the most of it, with this nearly three-thousand word epic poem about beavers recap of the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. I have it on good authority that he is now undergoing carpal tunnel surgery - which bodes well for Steph's inclusion next week!

  • Long Beach -- Comeback Sunday! [15 Days in May]
    Funny you should mention "comeback," because man, if you don't get rid of the white text on the black background, I may not "comeback" next week!!! (Just kidding. I like how it makes me concentrate so hard that my brain melts through my nostrils!)

  • Random Thoughts On Long Beach [Oilpressure]
    I love George's teaser into the meat of his article: "Then all kinds of things started to unfold." LIKE PAPER AIRPLANES! ORIGAMI SPIDERS! UNNECESSARILY INTRICATE GREETING CARDS!! I think you see where I'm going... and if you don't, it's to the booby hatch, and I'm not talking about my man chesticles.

  • The Women of pressdog® Invade Long Beach [pressdog.com]
    EPIC CONFLUENCE - P-Dog makes the shirts, the Women pose for the photos, and Da Nooch takes the snapshot. It could only be more epic if the Verizon Jumping Kangaroo was bouncing through the background juggling IZOD girl Cameron, the Firestone Firehawk, and the Flying Cocksman. We. Are. Not. Worthy.

  • Conway Scores Shock Long Beach Win [SPEED/Pruett]
    I love how, when auto racing writers want to make something sound REALLY surprising, they'll take the -ING off of a word in their title. VERY EUROPEAN. But Marshall gets a pass this week because of his awesomesauce for wearing his PLOURDE! T-shirt at Long Beach. Rock on, brother.

  • Blog Girl [INDYCAR Official Blog]
    Beccy Gordon logs in to blog about her life, her brother Robby, and to make us hate Ryan Hunter-Reay forever by showing us how unbelievably hot she is in a firesuit. SERIOUSLY, MAN - we slovenly blogger trolls KNOW we're not in your league, Beccy, but do you have to be better at blogging TOO? *sobs quietly in his bowl of Lucky Charms*

  • Introducing DJ Willie P [One Lap Down]
    Don LaFontaine voice: IN A WORLD where a racer stars in commercials with guys in kangaroo outfits... where leaping into the air like a demented cheerleader takes the place of spraying champagne... HE... is the CHOSEN ONE. POWER. Rated PG-13 for mild nudity.

Driver Tweet of the Week

@tomasscheckter: Put it this way in the dream I was helio and milka was will power and my bedroom was longbeach and my bed was turn 1 after a yellow#bam

Last But Not Least

First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me. Blow.

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