Paddock Pulse Splash
It's two days after Independence Day and the skies around the POP OFF VALVE GLOBAL HEADQUARTERS are filled with dust from the most recent haboob.
Don't know what a "haboob" is? Imagine the movie Independence Day and those rolling clouds that preceded the alien ships de-orbiting over major cities, then imagine those clouds being comprised of poop-colored dust that settle on you like a Prince Rupert fog-gasm, and you've got it.
Still, it wouldn't be Wednesday without the Paddock Pulse, so we're hoping our signals get out to teh Intarwebz through the haze so that you can enjoy your haboob-free sampling of some of the best of the IndyCar blogosphere. Meanwhile, I'll just play the theme music from Lawrence of Arabia over and over until some Bedouins come rescue me from the sandpocalypse.
Sizing things up after Iowa (ESPN/Oreovicz)
I was all set to make a great joke about fast food and American weight gain, until I noticed that the headlines on these ESPN articles change depending where you read them (i.e., Google Reader, RSS feed, actual URL). So it would have just been an enormous non-sequitur. Like saying, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and answering with, "See attendant for key to the bathroom." Wait, that still works.
Okay, Zachary, the way blogs work is not asking unanswered questions - it's answering them with theories pulled out of your nether regions. SHEESH. Ambiguity on the Internet is supposed to be supplied by uncertainty over source accuracy, not an actual lack of answers! n00bz.
If you read this headline and didn't think of an '80s song by The English Beat, then CONGRATULATIONS! You are happily free of nostalgia for a period of mullets and parachute pants from which I cannot extricate myself. Seriously, are there 12-step programs for this? WHATCHOO TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS? (Wait, he's dead. Too soon?)
The question not asked: When did your team purchase the machinery from President Skroob to enable LUDICROUS SPEED on your race equipment? WHAT??? That's a legitimate question! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY CREDENTIALS!! You can't kick me out of here, I haven't even gone through the buffet line yet!! FASCISTS!
Honestly, do I have to be the one that always comes up with the awesomely bad puns? Nowhere in this screed does George say, "HEY. A DOUBLE-HEADER AT IOWA IS A CORNY IDEA." Cripes, people. I don't play the drums, so don't ask me to do the rimshots.
Good news for you latent vulgarians - Mike Conway employs the F-bomb MORE THAN ONCE in this article. For heaven's sake, the guy makes Kimi Raikkonen look like that dude who chucked himself out his living room window after getting racked on Salvia. You take your flashes of attitude when you can.
Interesting that Robin Miller is issuing more report cards. You'd think he's a teacher with all the grades he gives out. Although, based on his wardrobe, you COULD come up with a convincing argument that he teaches gym class somewhere. Just PLEASE don't give him a whistle.
Driver Tweet of the Week
@jpmontoya: Waiting for a table in chilis. Been waiting for 20 mins. Hopefully we get one soon.
Last But Not Least
Lotta people go through life doing things badly. Racing's important to men who do it well. When you're racing, it's life. Anything that happens before or after is just waiting.