INDYCAR: Power Rankings (New Hampshire)

NEVER in a boredom-induced coma...despite Mid-Ohio's best dull efforts.

Zzzzzzzzzz....wha....huh....?  Oh, the race ended.  So much for that.  WOAH!!!  WILL POWER DIDN'T WIN???  Oh, it was Dixon.  Red Car.  Whatever.  This is getting ridiculous.  What's it going to take?  A nuclear strike?  Arming Danica Patrick with Mario Kart weapons (preferably a blue shell)?  Hell, arming her with REAL weapons?  Perhaps had Tagliani and Simona had nitrous hidden in their firesuits (like a certain fella named "Super Tex" did at least once, so they say on his "SportsCentury" episode) it would've made the race FAR more interesting.  Memo to Bernard: Push2Pass must have more power.  What kind of power?  Play "Ivan Stewart's Off-Road Arcade" and load up on nitros (or even Danny Sullivan's IndyCar version of basically the same game).  Keep hitting the nitro button.  THAT'S what no-passing zone rolling-hill twisties NEED, a P2P button with a million extra horsepower where only the skilled can master it.

FACT: the above was directly copy-pasted from my post-Mid-Ohio Power Rankings intro from LAST YEAR.  The only changes were changing "Dario" to "Dixon" and "Milka Duno" to "Danica Patrick".  Except for those two things it was basically the same race as last year.  YAWN.

Yea.  I wasn't too impressed with Mid-Ohio either.  Will this week's Power Rankings be as boring?  NEVER.

THE GRID

 

1.  Dario Franchitti

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Previous Ranking: #1 (no change)

He and Chip Ganassi are the proud owners of the lucky horseshoe stolen from Jimmie Johnson and Rick Hendrick.  Where they've stuck it, nobody knows. Perhaps I don't want to know.

 

2.  Scott Dixon

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Previous Ranking:  #3 (+1)

The old and boring Dixon came back with a vengeance.  I already miss him calling Rahal a dickhead and wanting to kill EJ Viso.

 

3.  Will Power

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Previous Ranking: #2 (-1)

OH NO!!!

 

4.  Tony Kanaan

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Previous Ranking:  #4 (no change)

He and Oriol are having their own little championship battle (aka: The Rebel Alliance Cup) and it's a good one.

 

5.  Oriol Servia

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Previous Ranking:  #5 (no change)

He's going to start a trend (hopefully) of teams hiring unemployed veterans and becoming contenders.  Who am I kidding…Dan Wheldon was already going to do just that.

 

6.  Marco Andretti

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Previous Ranking:  #6 (no change)

I thought there was no passing possible at Mid-Ohio…

 

7.  Ryan Hunter-Reay

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Previous Ranking:  #10 (+3)

…and nearly all of Andretti Autosport proved otherwise.  No team passed more cars it seemed.

 

8.  Ryan Briscoe

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Previous Ranking:  #7 (-1)

At least he's not banging into everyone like his teammate, and he can blame his boss for the lousy strategy.

 

9.  Graham Rahal

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Previous Ranking:  #8 (-1)

The Canadians and Ohio's favorite son have all proved during last month you can't expect good luck coming home.

 

10.  Alex Tagliani

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Previous Ranking:  #13 (+3)

He, like Hunter-Reay, are on Double-Secret Probation and yet finished well.  Yet Helio and Viso, whom deserve such punishment, aren't on probation and found contact yet again.

 

11.  Vitor Meira

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Previous Ranking:  #12 (+1)

Like I've said before, ever since Super Tex announced they were running Honda's next year they've suddenly become a fixture in the Top 10…coincidence?

 

12.  JR Hildebrand

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Previous Ranking:  #9 (-3)

Well look at it this way JR, your main rival in the Rookie of the Year title blew it.

 

13.  Danica Patrick

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Previous Ranking:  #11 (-2)

Probably said to Graham after the race: "Look, I didn't hit you. I didn't slam into you, I rubbed ya…and rubbin son is racin".  With her upcoming NASCAR career I think now she's ready "TO HIT THE PACE CAR".

 

14.  Takuma Sato

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Previous Ranking:  unranked

Whatever Honda team he goes to next year they're getting an improved driver…well, improved as of this week.

 

15.  Simona De Silvestro

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Previous Ranking:  unranked

Oh Porkchop, you naughty, naughty boy..."YOU ARE NO GENTLEMAN!"

 

DNQ (Bumped from the field)

 

James Hinchcliffe

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Previous Ranking:   unranked

ABC...Always Be Closing.  Enjoy the steak-knives.

 

Helio Castroneves

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Previous Ranking:  #14

This has to be his most expensive season yet.  This is entering KV 2010 terriotry.

 

Justin Wilson

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Previous Ranking:  #15

Ouch.

 

Mike Conway

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Previous Ranking:  unranked

As part of his probation, he is only allowed an engine that works 75% of the race distance.

 

EJ Viso

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Previous Ranking:  unranked

Viso horny for carbon fiber.

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