This is the last Paddock Pulse before I take my first vacation in almost two years. I'm planning on turning over the site to my buddy and Iron Maiden fan extraordinaire, Nate "fleshwound_NPG" Gruenholz while I'm gone, which means that if this place doesn't turn into Simona de Silvestro Central, I'll be roundly disappointed.
At any rate, I picked the perfect time for my vacation - right in the middle of the Kentucky race weekend - which just goes to show that checking calendars before booking passage on a cruise ship is HIGHLY overrated and moreover Communist (also, the terrorists win).
Anyway, this collection of links may have to tide you over for a couple of weeks, so you may want to do what I do - SAVOR THEM AS IF THEY WERE THE AMBROSIA OF THE RACING GODS. Or, you know, you might want to just read them a couple of times.
Hit the jump... HARD.
Fuel Mileage...Is It the New Attrition? [15 Days in May]
I'm pretty sure that this whole preoccupation with gas in racing has been going on longer than the current "hot button topic" - largely because, well, race fans eat a LOT of giant turkey legs, breaded meats, and bowel-savaging foods. Trade secret: what they SAID was nitrous oxide that gave engines a big boost back in the day was really the remnants of a toxic burrito. True story.
Andretti Selects Chevy, Bell At DRR & Other Notes [16th And Georgetown]
This, of course, was written before Nancy Grace's unfortunate nip-slip on "Dancing With The Stars." Oh, Helio... if only you could have warned Nancy about the future... so many of us would not have been unnecessarily blinded and/or nauseated. WHERE IS MARTY MCFLY WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
IZOD IndyCar Series Breaking Development: Tagliani out, Wheldon in for Kentucky [Across the Bricks]
NOOB ALERT! NOOB ALERT! It's the debut of another IndyCar blog, and damned if I don't like Kieran Culkin's chutzpah about not mincing words and failing to bar holds. It IS Kieran Culkin writing this thing, right? No? Dang. I seem to do that a lot with blogger names. Even my own (viz., calling myself Tremendous McIncredibledude for a couple of weeks).
What 1984 Taught Me About 2012 [anotherindycarblog]
Silly me, I thought that Eric Hall (still waiting for his co-blogger Ron Oates to make an appearance) was talking about Orwell, and making a case that Brian Barnhart is dabbling in Newspeak and Big Brother-style revisionism ("WE DID NOT RACE THAT LAP. WE NEVER RACED THAT LAP."). Sadly, no. Which means the first-ever IndyCar Pretentious Literary Reference Award will once again go undistributed.
An Oval Rallying Cry [IndyCar Advocate]
See? I got confused again and thought that Zach HoughtenIMetYourMother was talking about driving WRC cars around the Brickyard. I was all like DUDE WTF MAN. Apparently my habit of not really reading these blogs very closely before linking to them is getting me into hot water. HOT TUB? BRING IT ON!!
OPINION: Why not Wheldon and Tagliani in Kentucky? [RACER]
And now, a pun soliloquy: This article was really Wheldon. I'm sure RACER will take a lot of Schmidt over it from people who find it online because of hashTags. DALLARA. Okay, I got virtually nothing here. What do you expect from a guy that just squirted a house cat in the face with a spray bottle? STOP LICKING THE LEFTOVERS IN THE SINK, YOU MANGY ANIMAL.
The top five stars 2011 forgot [More Front Wing]
BETELGEUSE. SIRIUS. RIGEL. CENTAURUS. SAGITTARIUS. When, oh when, will these gentle giants of the sky get their fair shake in the media? Sadly, astronomers stalk them like paparazzi, waiting for the chance to get a snapshot of a stellar upskirt to show in NASA's version of TMZ. LOUSY STALKING BASTARDS.
Helio Needs To Let It Go [Oilpressure]
George, I feel you here. Especially considering you cited parenting and picking battles, something I have a very hard time doing because STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME, CHILD, I KNOW WHERE YOU HIDE YOUR DIARY AND ABOUT THAT BOY YOU KEEP TEXTING WITHOUT KNOWING I KNOW. Yeah, Helio's totally like that. Ahem.
IndyCar – Thoughts on the 2012 Dallara Aerodynamics [Open Paddock]
This is a long article, full of detailed information and analysis, which you should really take the time to read all the way through before you say, "DAYUM THAT DAGGON CAR IS DUH BUTTUGLY WHY IZZN IT BUILT BY SWIFT WHAT A PIECE UH CRAPOLA." I'm not saying you shouldn't say that. Just save it for later.
Oval Race Buyers' Market [pressdog.com]
You gotta be careful with Bill. Yes, we know and love him for his pithy catchphrases and the dexterity with which he introduces clowns to various different subjects. But man... watch out if you mention the free market and customer rights. HE WILL THROW DOWN ON YOU LIKE A BULL MASTIFF CHEWING OFF THE HEAD OF AN INTRUDER.
Indycar: Kentucky and Las Vegas Preview [Queers4Gears.com]
And the winner for most bullet points in a single blog post this week is... ROSS BYNUM! Congratulations, Ross - as your prize, you have been awarded an autographed vinyl single of "Bullet the Blue Sky" by U2 (actual turntable and means to interface with 21st century home entertainment equipment not included). ENJOY, MY FRIEND.
Thank Gawd twistys are over, but what GORGEOUS venues they are, Bat Man! [WideOpenWheel]
Another newcomer to the Pulse, and this one is simply gorgeous for the awesome typo, "filks." It's supposed to be "folks," but I like "filks" so much I may actually stick with it forever. The permutations are endless. Filk music! Filklore! And the awesome German variant, FILKSWAGEN! It's... it's like a precious gift I've been given. (That's all, filks!)
Driver Tweet of the Week
@TonyKanaan: @tomasscheckter if somebody would take a pic of you naked right now @tonytellez would be hanging from your balls.....lol
Last But Not Least
Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!