INDYCAR: Power Rankings (Brazil)

"I DRESS MYSELF!!!"

Turbos. Screaming cars. Passing at Long Beach. Passing when you least suspect it. Road-course races worth watching. Rahals bitching at Andrettis. Andrettis bitching at Rahals. Engine politics. Illmor engines owning the series. Judd engines getting owned. Massive race-day crowds. Ganassi looking semi-useless.

Are we in the right decade? The only thing that's missing are CART badges on the roll-hoop instead of IZOD IndyCar badges on the airboxes. Okay, two extra cylinders in the engine bay as well.

Enough with the reminiscing, lets get back to the future into 2012. Will Power is if anything BETTER than ever. He doesn't even need to win pole positions to bring forth vengeful ownage. I think we need to adopt two new rules for IndyCar going forward:

- Will Power must start no higher than row 5 of a road-course event.
- Tony Kanaan must start no higher than row 5 of an oval event.

Also placing cameras on said cars would dramatically increase the quality of the broadcast (I'm looking at you, ABC).

So it's rather obvious who leads the Power Rankings this week. However how did everybody else do and where should they go? Last Friday I went all Simpsons-y on you and none of you really bitched, so lets do it again. This time to help me in analyising the field I'll be using...

...RALPH WIGGUM QUOTES.

(This week's Power Rankings after the jump..."My cat's name is Mittens!!!")

THE GRID

1. Will Power

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Previous ranking: 3 (+2)

So, why again does he try so hard in qualifying if he can win from 9th and 12th in two consecutive weeks? "My sash says Ultraman!!!"

2. Simon Pagenaud

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Previous ranking: 4 (+2)

Whenever a Honda engine lifts off the throttle and downshifts it kind of sounds like a tin-can of firecrackers. "Fireworks make my ears yell!!!"

3. James Hinchcliffe

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Previous ranking: 5 (+2)

"Oh, Canada!!!"

4. Helio Castroneves

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Previous ranking: 1 (-3)

Long Beach, not wanting to be outdone by Baltimore, gets its own hairpin parking lot thanks to him. "We're a totem pole!!!"

5. Scott Dixon

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Previous ranking: 2 (-3)

Twice the car caught on fire during qualifying...which looked pretty cool and very Batmobile-ish. "That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!!!"

6. Ryan Hunter-Reay

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Previous ranking: 6 (no change)

Maybe giving Sato the horns on the last lap was a tribute to the retiring Paul Tracy? "When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"

7. Ryan Briscoe

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Previous ranking: 9 (+2)

He finally does something positive to justify his seat at Penske by winning the pole, but ends up with a meh performance and totally outclassed by Will Power again. "Daddy says I'm *this* close to sleeping in the yard!!"

8. JR Hildebrand

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Previous ranking: unranked

You mean...nobody punted him or anything go wrong at the end for once? "And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life!!!"

9. Josef Newgarden

67-newgarden-sfhr_medium

Previous ranking: 10 (+1)

Punted out on lap one, turn number one? No penalty? Sarah wasn't pleased. Oh well. Wasn't much left to do except probably nap for an hour and a half. "Oh, boy sleep! That's where I'm a viking!!!"

10. Rubens Barrichello

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Previous ranking: 15 (+5)

He was having his best IndyCar race yet...until he got punted by Helio. "I bent my wookie!!!"

11. Graham Rahal

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Previous ranking: 7 (-4)

"Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty!!!"

12. Takuma Sato

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Previous ranking: unranked

It's not as funny to watch his fails anymore. He's showing speed without hitting anything anymore. "He's still funny, but not 'ha-ha' funny."

13. Justin Wilson

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Previous ranking: unranked

Dario gave Newgarden no quarter for his outside move on turn 1. But for veteran Justin on the next restart he gave him quite a gap..."I'm special!"

14. Tony Kanaan

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Previous ranking: unranked

Maybe someone other than Tony Kanaan was driving the first two weeks. It's the only logical explanation. "I cheated wrong...I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers!"

15. Simona de Silvestro

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Previous ranking: unranked

Despite another engine failure late she was the best performing Lotus, so she's the recipient of the weekly Lotus Index of Effluency (LIE) Award, and like all recipients she gets an honorary spot in my rankings. "She's touching my special area!!!"

DNQ (Bumped from the field)

Sebastien Bourdais

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Previous ranking: 8

Pushed the Lotus too far and got a taste of the tire barriers. "Eww, daddy this tastes like grandma!"

Dario Franchitti

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Previous ranking: 11

"You smell like dead bunnies!!!"

Marco Andretti

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Previous ranking: 13

An Andretti/Rahal rivalry? "That is so 1991."

Mike Conway

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Previous ranking: 14

At least the Honda went kerblammo as far away from AJ as it could. "At my house, we call them uh-ohs!!!"

James Jakes

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Well, I didn't think the kid had that kind of a run in him. I don't think he did either. "I'm learnding!"

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