INDYCAR: Power Rankings (Edmonton)

I'm beginning to think Firefox are in charge of overseeing the Lotus updates...

Has the world gone crazy?

Nothing has made sense thus far. Every race weekend (besides Texas and Indy) has seen at least one wet-weather practice session or a rain delay (meanwhile Indy is going through its worst drought since I was in kindergarten), The GoDaddy car has looked strong when fortune isn't screwing it over, Toronto was relatively tame, Ganassi has only won one oval race (and almost lost that), Penske hasn't won a single race on the ovals, Charlie Kimball was the one carrying the banner for Ganassi Racing in Toronto, Dario is completely out of the title hunt and Will Power isn't the one leading the points standings...

...an Amercian is leading the points.

Funny what can happen when a talented American is given a proper chance.

Maybe that's why IZOD is thinking it screwed up and has been scaling back its overall support. No, they don't think it was a mistake in sponsoring the IndyCar series...but rather ditching Ryan Hunter-Reay for Team Penske.

Oops.

How the mighty have fallen in IndyCar. And Power Rankings.

But how far?

(This week's Power Rankings after the jump)

THE GRID

1. Ryan Hunter-Reay

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Previous ranking: 2 (+1)

Robin Miller is alive and well. How he has managed to still carry on without having a heart-attack during this American dominance in IndyCar is beyond all of us.

2. Scott Dixon

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Previous ranking: 1 (-1)

Well at least you saw the green flag, unlike your teammate at Iowa.

3. Tony Kanaan

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Previous ranking: 7 (+4)

Every other time he has a shot at victory, he's looking at the backside of an Andretti car.

4. Helio Castroneves

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Previous ranking: 6 (+2)

He said it was one of his best finishes at Toronto since his days at Bettenhausen. Considering how his career (and Ryan Hunter-Reay's) has turned out since those days gives me hope for another young driver now stuck and struggling with that same shop.

5. James Hinchcliffe

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Previous ranking: 3 (-2)

He did it! So how does he celebrate? OH NOES.

6. Simon Pagenaud

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Previous ranking: 4 (-2)

Bush league block.

7. Will Power

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Previous ranking: 5 (-2)

Who's the wanker now...?

8. Oriol Servia

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Previous ranking: 10 (+2)

Qualifying important? YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.

9. Dario Franchitti

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Previous ranking: 8 (-1)

If he is indeed trolling us and then rips off 5-straight wins to capture the title again we need to exile him the same way we did to Sebastein Bourdais.

10. Alex Tagliani

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Previous ranking: 11 (+1)

If Bronte ever ditches her new Twitter avatar IndyCar has to deduct 10 entrant points and $20,000 from Herta. Oh, and 10 grid spots to Tag.

11. Ryan Briscoe

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Previous ranking: 9 (-2)

2009 feels like it happened years ago. Probably because it was indeed years ago. Three to be precise. Feels longer than that to him.

12. JR Hildebrand

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Previous ranking: unranked

Great work despite bad brakes. Now, about sponsorship for next year...

13. Justin Wilson

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Previous ranking: 12 (-1)

He's dyslexic, weighs nearly 200 lbs. and is taller than 6 foot. How did he make it in formula racing? And be this good?

14. Rubens Barrichello

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Previous ranking: 15 (+1)

A solid effort for the rookie. One day these "rookie" jokes about him will get old. Might be today.

15. James Jakes

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Previous ranking: unranked

At this rate ABC might actually give him another live interview again.

DNQ (Bumped from the field)

Marco Andretti

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Previous ranking: 13

They all can't be like Iowa.

Graham Rahal

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Previous ranking: 14

Admitted his DERPiness live on the air, which may be the most unRahal-like event in quite some time.

Takuma Sato

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The IndyCar world stood shocked and silent. No, not at an American winning three-straight, but Sato finishing Toronto without hitting a single thing.

EJ Viso

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He hasn't hit much this season, and Dallara has raised their equipment prices for 2012 above what was promised. Nope, I don't see any correlation...

Simona de Silvestro

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Last time on Power Rankings I did a 50 Shades of Grey parody for her entry. Much to my amazement I got ZERO complaints for it. That means only one thing, DO MORE 50 Shades of Grey parodies...

For the first time media mogul Nathaniel Grunwald invited his secretary Simone Silvestri to his apartment. She wore her shortest skirt and her highest heels just for the occasion. Just as the door closed he was all over her. Like in the office a few days ago he surprised her from behind because he knew it would catch her off guard more so; she liked it more that way, the thrill of the surprise. She enjoyed the rush of passion just like the rush she gets from watching the IndyCars go by down the front-stretch at the Indy 500.

She decided it was time for a change of pace. Even though she was in his apartment and he always made the aggressive moves she then began making the moves herself. She grabbed and felt him and began to move her hands lower and lower, until...

"Yes..." he whispered, once she got there.

"Wow, you get turned on fast!!!! Even for a guy!!! If only my Lotus actually started like that at Texas!!!"

"AW SH*T!!! NOT THIS AGAIN. Stop it with the Lotus bullsh*t! Can't you see I'm trying to write a erotic novel to score a 1.34 million dollar per week check and steal money from unsuspecting housewifes that buy ANYTHING??? We talkin mega dolla dolla billz, here!" He snapped.

"Ha ha ha ha Nathan!!!! Enough!!! Maybe 1.34 dollars but not millions!!!! Silly!!"

Foiled again. Damn. It is indeed harder than it looks (AND THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID).

Oh, and yes this is the second parody story that I've written where she is taken and surprised from behind. I figured out of sympathy for her and her Lotus I'd actually put somebody behind her for once this year.

[rimshot]

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