INDYCAR: Power Rankings (Mid-season)

Lotus, your midterm average...you have no grade point average. All courses incomplete.

More short ovals, IndyCar.

Because MOAR!!!

Hell, more ovals period. No, I’m not an IRL fanboy that hates ANYTHING that turns right. I just want more of what we got this past month on the circle tracks. No Penske victories? Only one Ganassi victory (and just one pass away from being ZERO)? An American winning back-to-back Saturday short-oval races in the mid-west? Pissed-off drivers flipping each other off and angry crotch grabs? Swearing live on the air? Dario falling off the championship pace, and the edge of the Earth?

MOAR!!!!!!!!

Sadly, no more until September. Not even a bonus race in Michigan to replace China, even though they sounded interested. So expect whatever championship drama created in the past month to be flushed down the toilet when Will Power gives us double-barreled birds and starts dangling his brass junk in our faces when he sweeps the road and street courses. At least we can enjoy Dario schadenfreude this year with him not winning the title again. Maybe.

Help me, Ryan Hunter-Reay…you’re our only hope.

Speaking of which, how did his dominance in the short ovals improve his Power Ranking for the mid-season summer break?

Oh, you think I’m late in giving out midterm rankings and grades compared to other writers?

%@&# YOU.

[grabs crotch EJ Viso style]



(This week's Power Rankings after the jump)

THE GRID

1. Scott Dixon

9-dixon-target_medium

Previous ranking: 1 (no change)

Deep down, you KNOW he was giggling like Anderson Cooper when he saw Dario go KERBLAMMO.

2. Ryan Hunter-Reay

28-hunterreay-sundrop_medium

Previous ranking: 7 (+5)

The last two races before Independence Day were both mid-western short ovals, won by an American. FOR 'MURRRICAAA!!! F*CK YEA!!!

3. James Hinchcliffe

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Previous ranking: 2 (-1)

The Mayor of DERPtown.

4. Simon Pagenaud

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Previous ranking: 4 (no change)

Imagine what this rookie can do when he gets older and has some more experience...

5. Will Power

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Previous ranking: 3 (-2)

Maybe next year we can have more than five ovals. Will, what do you think about that?

6. Helio Castroneves

3-castroneves-shell_medium

Previous ranking: 5 (-1)

Temps have been over 90 around here for more than a week. Being nude on a tire swing now actually sounds tempting.

7. Tony Kanaan

11-kanaan-geico_medium

Previous ranking: 8 (+1)

One more short oval and he ends his losing streak. Somebody call Phoenix or Richmond...

8. Dario Franchitti

10-franchitti-target_medium

Previous ranking: 6 (-2)

GAME OVER

9. Ryan Briscoe

2-briscoe-izod_medium

Previous ranking: 9 (no change)

Serious, angry Penske-face is becoming a new tradition; every time Briscoe finds the wall, cue the nearest camera and give us beautiful Penske schadenfreude.

10. Oriol Servia

22-servia-lotus_medium

Previous ranking: 10 (no change)

Passing more than half the field is difficult if you're on fire.

11. Alex Tagliani

98-tagliani-barracuda_medium

Previous ranking: 11 (no change)

The Bronte look is trending. Either that or Pat Benetar has more relatives than I previously thought.

12. Justin Wilson

18-wilson-sonnys_medium

Previous ranking: 13 (+1)

You need a car to be properly balanced and engineered precise to be competitive on the ovals. So why is a 6'3" 195 lbs. driver finishing so well on them?

13. Marco Andretti

26-andretti-rccola_medium

Previous ranking: unranked

I'm beginning to think he's more of a diva than Danica ever was. Considering how much more of a threat he is at winning, he's excused.

14. Graham Rahal

38-rahal-ntb_medium

Previous ranking: 14 (no change)

People have forgotten that he was placed on probation earlier this year. Toronto is this week, so we'll be reminded soon enough...and he'll welcome new members to the club.

15. Rubens Barrichello

8-barrichello-bmc_medium

Previous ranking: unranked

Former F1 drivers performing better on the ovals than road courses in their first year...been there, done that.

DNQ (Bumped from the field)

Ed Carpenter

20-carpenter-fuzzys_medium

Bitch about the 15-race schedule all you want, but his step-dad's 10-race schedules got us to this lowly point.

JR Hildebrand

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Previous ranking: 12

Turn Four walls. Gettin old, bro.

EJ Viso

5-viso-citgo_medium

Previous ranking: 15

DEEZ NUTS, WILL POWER.

James Jakes

19-jakes-boyscouts_medium

40+ second penalty? I think IndyCar was too confused to have TWO Dale Coyne cars running at the front on an oval.

Simona de Silvestro

78-desilvestro-nuclear_medium

Okay, Tony...wanna play THAT game? BEHOLD! The 49 1/2 Shades of Grey!!!

Dashing young millionaire media mogul Nathaniel Grunwald surprised his young Italian secretary Simone Silvestri from behind by grabbing her firmly in a rush of passion. He had been waiting all morning. He then quickly yet gently had a hold of her chin and turned her face towards his. The kissing also came quick and gently. He then moved his hands all over her fit, muscular, athletic yet incredibly sexy, feminine and desirable figure. All of this caused her to temporarily lose her breath, but he knew it was how she wanted it...FAST, yet with a touch so fine. It wasn't unlike the style in which racing drivers lap at Indianapolis every year. Speed, in any form, thrilled her. The danger as well, considering it was indeed office hours, was an intrigue.

"I know what you really want." he then whispered into her ear.

"A Lotus that works and is fast!!!!" she replied.

"DAMMIT! Can you not think about racing for more than five minutes? I'm trying to write a romantic story for once!" He groaned.

"Ha ha ha ha!!!!! This fantasy is over Nathan!!! Wake up and get back to blogging!!! Simone Silvestri, that name is lame!!! Ha ha ha !!!!"

DAMMIT. Writing mushy, romantic bullsh*t is hard. Now where is my 1.34 million dollar per week check...

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