It's the Monday after my first street course race, a week after I returned from my first road course race.

It's 7:30 am and, despite not setting an alarm so I can catch up on some rest, I am wide-awake and need to get my thoughts out. I rarely listen to country but CMT music videos are on TV and Sugarland's "Little Miss" is playing and its lyrics are nearly shouting at me.

I am truly basking in the epitome of the definition of "mixed feelings."

Some of the feelings I should have are accomplished and relieved.

Some of the feelings I do have are frustrated and determined - and, quite frankly, mad at myself.  That's the racer in me.

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It was 7:30 in the morning on January 24th. And it was paradise. I knew it was going to be a great day. I posted this photo via Twitter and Facebook, snapped as I was on my way to my first test with what would later become the team who would field my ride for 2011: Cape Motorsports with Wayne Taylor Racing.

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For the past several years, it's a common theme for me to hear people to say "When you're famous..." or "I can say I met that girl." I've also gotten, "I hope you remember us little people" and "Don't forget about us" and "Stay true to who you are."

It's humbling really, but I don't like it to be honest with you. It bothers me-never having been one to get "star struck"-to think that one person is or will be better or "higher" or "different" than anyone else. I usually just laugh it off. What is hard for me to comprehend is that people do change when they get to be more recognized or accomplished... that they think they are better and more entitled.

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Part One: Communication

I'm much better at the written word than verbal communication. I'm very much (and probably too much) a "to-the-point person." So I'm not much into fluff, pointless conversations, or talking about something I'm not interested in, for longer than I have to; it's just hard for me! I don't have much patience and I am not good at taking the time to explain things fully to people. I have always been very outgoing and personable, but connecting with people on a non-topic of "pure conversation" basis has never been a strong point.

I noticed that when I first was around "business people" in racing, I thought they came off a bit brash and rude and so direct that you'd wonder if they even have a soul. I've since inherited a bit of that and hope it's not biting me in the butt too much. It's hard for me to separate my personal and professional life - i.e., come back down to earth when I'm not in "work mode" and have a relaxed convo with my parents or people close to me. Problem is, I'm almost always in "work mode" and my mind is always turning. After all, to relax, I actually work!

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When I write a blog or diary or journal entry, I like best to do it when I'm ready. Not necessarily because it's due (as you may have noticed). It's easy to write an entry, but having my voice heard properly is pretty important to me! (In an effort to defend myself for lack of blogging lately, I HAVE been VERY busy!)

I am very excited for this entry. Since I've essentially summed up my career thus far and laid down the amazing things I've experienced, I've been thinking lots lately where I want to go with this. On a side note, I started writing this on November 20^th and am so sorry for the delay.

I had my first ever "interim performance review" on Friday November 19, 2010, one of the more bittersweet days of my life. In fact, the past month has been very bittersweet, in a life-changing and enlightening way which is what laid some of the groundwork for this diary. (I'll get to more of the bittersweet stuff next diary... muahahahaaaa!)

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Between May and July 2010, I was extremely busy with pursuing more partnerships, preparing for my next races/tests and trying to "pay the bills."

I mentioned in my two previous blogs that when I moved to Indy in February, I was working part time. I ended up having trouble making enough money to support myself and continue having good credit at the same time ;). So, despite loving my job, atmosphere and all the people at U/S Sports Advisors, I moved on to a new opportunity. I left some great new friends and mentors on good terms with a lot gained and was excited for what was next.

At my next job, I was again part time with flexibility and doing some more marketing/promotions but this time as a "contractor," which meant I worked for myself and they were hiring my services. Basically, no strings attached on their end. After doing this part time for about a month, I was asked to go full-time. Then, after about another month, they decided they couldn't afford/didn't want to spend the money on this "service". So, in the blink of an eye, I was empty-handed and looking for something else.

I can't say that I was very happy that day. In fact, I was pissed. I was furious. Feeling completely used, unappreciated and naïve for thinking that something was going to pull through for once - I picked myself back up yet again and decided I would figure out what the @!$#&^ I was going to do next. Surely, there was something and someone who would appreciate and need the "bust-ass," motivated, get-it-done, high standards that I held myself to

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First, let me apologize for my absence in the last two weeks' blogs... I'm back and here to present Driver Diary #3 with Pop Off Valve.

To quickly recap, last time I discussed sacrifices, returns, and a bit of the struggles I've faced in my career.

I ended the diary with an introduction to where I am today, and how a tweet has changed my life drastically in the past 6 months.

On May 18th, 2010, I posted a tweet - a quiet cry at 11:02pm as I lay in bed thinking about where I was and where I was going. It was a quote from my heart, speaking from built up frustration, a bit of doubt, and bit of disgust at the way the racing community has transformed. Where only the drivers who have the money to PAY for their rides are competing and some of the best are sidelined for no good reason.

It was born of so many ups and downs between 2006 and 2010 - a season with not a single race in 2007, a trip to college and back home after not having the time to focus on my passion, a year to save money and get back on the racing map, and a move at 20 years old to Indianapolis with hopes of things finally, for once, looking up. 

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Signing on for driver diary #2 with Pop Off Valve.  First things first: in an attempt to introduce myself, diary #1 and #2 are extremely long, so bear with me.

I'm thinking we'll get a bit more personal today. We like personal, right?

I don't often tell people my entire story, and I'm not going to today. But, many people probably wonder what someone like me does day to day. They may figure that I am just another driver, that I have wealthy parents, my expenses are paid, I travel when I want and where I want, I don't have any responsibilities and I'm just "living the dream." Yes I am living the dream, no to the other aforementioned possible assumptions. 

In last week's blog, I gave a short and brief recap on the past 16 years of my racing career.

Today, I want to talk about sacrifices and a bit about returns. It is not often that I reflect on all of the struggles faced so far but it is something I am proud of. I tell people often how thankful I am for the letdowns and hardships this industry has provided me. I know, this all sounds ridiculous. And I like it that way. Read on.

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