2012. The last year of Earth. Probably. If we wake up on December 22, 2012 and NOTHING happens it will mean that the Mayans are the BIGGEST TROLLS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Yes, bigger trolls than dictators, ESPN "analysts", and the CBS Network execs who thought their already bad TV lineup needed more Rob Schneider. Seriously, who thought THAT was a good idea? If it wasn't for the NFL on CBS, CSI (wait...never mind, Marg Helgenberger is leaving), and Angela Buchman giving me the weather on my local CBS affiliate (WISH-TV, Indianapolis) I would never ever watch that network. Not keeping NASCAR and the Daytona 500...how's that working out for you guys?

Enough whining about things with higher TV ratings than IndyCar. If this is indeed the last year of our world lets at least make it a good time. Lets start with THE RETURN OF HAIKU TUESDAY! So much to haiku about like new driver signings, new teams, rumored driver signings, rumored new teams, rumors of rumors of driver signings, rumors of rumors of teams that may or may not make the start of the season and OH DAMN TAGLIANI'S WIFE IS STILL THE HOTTEST PUNK ROCKER EVER. NASCAR seriously can't hang with IndyCar on the WAG hotness. Yes they got an upgrade on the driver hotness scale with Danica, but she's just a few months away from the big 3-0. I know this, for her 30th is just before mine. Oh, God...30?!?!? It seems just yesterday I was watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and sipping on Sunny D. Actually, I really DID do both of those things yesterday. Never grow old, kids. It makes you...old.

So, onwards to the off-season haikus after the jump.

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Mwuahahaha!!!  The boss is on vacation!  He foolishly promoted me again, this time to Associate Editor!  The site he's worked so hard on is now all mine!!!  Heh, heh...so I guess that means his precious "Haiku Tuesday" is MINE ALL MINE once again!  Let the takeover begin...

So THAT HAPPENED. The final IndyCar race in Kentucky Speedway's history (most likely, judging by the crowd size) was mainly a boring one for the first 2/3rds of the race (except for the #24 team going blind and sending Beatriz into Power) until all Hell broke loose. Cars had minds of their own (literally) barreling into opposing pit crews, rookies taking out their own crews, and some drivers taking each other out also in the pits.

Then there was the finish.

0.0098 of a second separated the biggest team in racing with multiple championships (another one coming as well) with a near-invincible driver and the smallest team that's part-time and looking for a win with a driver that has never tasted victory either despite being oh so close. We all were waiting for Dario to make the final left turn into victory lane and spoil yet another race for us. Yet it didn't happen. As of October 2, 2011 Ed Carpenter is a race winner, Zoey Marie O'Gara is UNDEFEATED and Sarah Fisher proved to us that mothers ALWAYS know best. Sarah superfan Pressdog was indeed tweeting the day after in coherent sentences, which means his victory celebration was probably a bit restrained. Bill, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! If that were Simona de Silvestro crossing the line first the only thing left standing at my house would be empty bottles of Jim Beam, Jack, Goldshlagers (because DRINKING GOLD IS FOR THE VICTORIOUS), and paint thinner...with the smell of the latter substance being dominant for roughly seven months, peeling paint from the walls. Also I wouldn't be heard from (in English, anyways) for weeks.

I guess the events of Sunday would be inspirational enough for poetry writing, in seventeen syllable format of course. So here it is: the return of HAIKU TUESDAY!  EPIC FAST EDDIE CARP VICTORY EDITION!

(haikus after the jump)

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Usually I get snarky in these intros to Haiku Tuesday, but considering the response of the Japanese fans at Motegi for the IZOD IndyCar Series, I have to be serious and give them all the credit in the world.

Sure, they were head over heels for Takuma Sato and Hideki Mutoh. After all, they were the hometown heroes. But the fans' response went much further than nationalism. Japanese fans LOVE IndyCar racing. In fact, as a group they love IndyCar more than America or Brazil does. Their passion was not dampened a whit by the national disasters that struck their country over the summer months.

Maybe INDYCAR doesn't come back to Motegi, but I hope they DO go back to Japan. Maybe they will race at Okuyama or Suzuka, or maybe they might try a street race in Tokyo (can you imagine how cool that would be if they could pull that off?). But it's too strong a market, too passionate a fan base, too fascinating a culture to abandon forever.

In honor of the great Japanese fans, here are this week's links. 私は日本人の友人を尊重

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I always enjoy writing Haiku Tuesday the week before and after a race in Japan. Well, actually, I don't enjoy it so much as write it in total fear that some Japanese reader will chance upon it and tell me exactly how badly I'm perverting the form and ruining poetry for everyone.

But hey, tremendously awful verse-writing aside, I always feel like it's much more appropriate to haiku when the IndyCar folks are headed for the land of Plinko, anime, raw fish, awesome schoolgirl outfits, shaggy bangs, and the birthplace of the show that inspired Wipeout.

You may think I'm making fun of Japan here, but I'm not. Hell, after last night's Tea Party debate, I'm about ready to book my own ticket for Japan. I'd rather spend a week in one of those tube-room hotels than listen to someone say that abolishing the minimum wage would be cool because then super-rich companies could hire twice as many people and still actually save money in payroll.

But I digress! For there is poetry to be read, and you're NOT READING IT. Jump, fools, JUMP.

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EVIL, I SAY. EVIL.

A street course. On the dastardly EAST COAST, in a city that hates Indianapolis with a passion because of something stupid regarding NFL teams.

Total recipe for failure, right?

Sure enough, the Baltimore GP totally failed, and by "failed" I mean was a huge, unbelievable success story. I can only imagine the sinking feeling in the guts of all those "traditional" fans when they saw all those thousands of fans clogging the Baltimore streets (and, memorably, even watching from the balconies of high-rise buildings) and realized that their favorite non-Indy oval probably wouldn't pull as big of a crowd even if the promoters offered free wings, beer, and naked chicks.

It was certainly a memorable weekend, and we immortalize it in the glory of haiku for your reading pleasure after the jump...

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Sooooooo, you may have noticed it's been a while since I've waxed poetic around here. Part of this is because it's painful to wax things, even poetic (I may be thinking of a different type of waxing, actually... and I didn't even know I had a "bikini line").

But it's Tuesday, and really there's nothing that says "Tuesday" more than Haiku Tuesday - an Internet tradition since at least last year!

I'd say something about how haiku's simple structure can still yield deep meaning and peaceful contemplation, but I'm pretty sure you folks had plenty of contemplation (of the inside of your eyelids) on Sunday.

Still, hit the jump and prepare to be SUPERCULTURED!

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While the boss is busy celebrating his 67th birthday (give or take about 33 years) I've come to the rescue yet again.  What is it with him and missing the most important Haiku Tuesday of the year?  Whatever, I guess that's why he pays me the big bucks...to save his behind.

*Checks contract....notices "volunteer status" part*

DAMN.  I do this for free?  Dan Wheldon only works once a year and gets paid 2.5 million.  Boy do I feel like a sucker.

Who cares.  Haiku's after the jump....and feel free to add your own.

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Rain is a recurring theme in poetry. Poets wax rhapsodic about the stuff - from the sentimental to the melancholy to quiet reflection to oneness with nature, et cetera, ad nauseum.

All I know is that rain sucks for auto racing - at least in the quantities decanted upon the heads of everyone in Sao Paulo, Brazil, by a set of what appeared to be very pissed-off clouds.

But poetry allegedly is good for the soul and promotes psychic healing, so we have some poorly-written haikus designed to... well, let's not pretend to any nobility here, these are designed to grab page views, not make you feel better about getting doused to the skin by a cloudburst. So go dry off and then come back and read.

Pop open the umbrella after the jump...

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