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The Paddock Pulse: December 15 Edition

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Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

Paddock Pulse is here,
Hobbson needs his beer,
Links that all that bloggers call
A favor from their peer.

Snark is in the air,
Seriousness is rare,
Jokes of mine that cross a line
I prob'ly shouldn't share.

Poetry. Sheer, freaking poetry. (Just be glad I don't have a Photoshop of me Snoopy-dancing. Nobody needs to see that.)

Links after the jump...

  • "I hope you choke on that whistle, you old bag o’ dirt!" [...and he’s on it]
    Johnny Montona (aw hell, everyone else has a dumb nickname... let's call him "Johnny Utah" from Point Break!) makes his return to the Pulse this week with a post that sets a record for parenthetical asides. I'm not kidding. There are so many in there it reads like he's trying to overcome endless interruptions from a repressed alternate personality. I guess that means HE needs a nickname too. Or is it a SHE??? *dramatic sting*

  • IndyCar Insomnia [IndyCar Advocate]
    I suppose there are better posts from ZZ Top's blog to link to this week, but DAMMIT do I love someone who understands the value of brevity. By the way, I'm almost 7% sure that Zach has a long enough beard to qualify for the "ZZ Top" nickname. Or maybe he has an electric guitar soldered into his belly button. I dunno, I'd hate for you guys to think I picked that nickname just because his name started with Z. Because I did didn't.

  • Rumors of my death have been modestly exaggerated [is it May yet?]
    Weather Will rises from the mists of lethargy and laziness to grace us with another masterful Photoshop. Without ruining the surprise, let's just say Michael Andretti is shirtless in the least appealing way possible. Honestly, this much visual awesomeness can't be described in words, especially my words, which would tend to make you think of trident-brandishing potato cakes riding a herd of aluminum badgers. Which would be somewhat inaccurate.

  • An Early Christmas Present for JP and a Bittersweet Moment, All in a Single Press Release [JP's Indycar Blog]
    You'll want to read this article for no other reason than the fact that it inspired the longest frigging headline the Pulse has ever published. Seriously, it's like the Bhagavad Gita of headlines. It's longer than the Flying Cocksman's codpiece bulge!! (See? It's long!) You know that saying about it's not the length, it's what you do with it? Well, that doesn't really apply here. I might be taking the whole phallic metaphor a bit too far with that. Sorry.

  • Christmas Gift Ideas For Your IndyCar Fan [Oilpressure]
    I'm posting this link for two reasons. (1) George has assembled a great collection of gift ideas for IndyCar fans. Very complete. Very comprehensive. Very intriguing. And (2) I expect every one of you to buy me at least one thing off of this list for Christmas. So you may want to confer amongst yourselves so you don't end up buying me duplicates. But don't worry, if you do I'll regift them... TO MYSELF!!! Because I'm a selfish, selfish bastard.

  • Opinion: IndyCar Fans Need To Bring The Hate [Open Wheel America]
    Oh, Simba, Simba, Simba... do not follow your evil Uncle Scarobinmiller down the path of the hyenas! Your prideland will be devastated! Your women will be scrawny and lethargic from lack of food! And your snarky meerkat friend will think about eating his best friend, the warthog... GOD, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE PLOT OF A BAD MOVIE! Save yourself quickly!

  • Hildebrand’s Dice Roll Comes up Yahtzee, Captain American Rides with Panther in 2011 []
    I'm guessing Bill knows about the Captain America movie coming out, which means he'll have a team of lawyers ready for when the Hollywood dudes try to sue him for plagiarizing a copyrighted hero name. Also, a pair of snipers to shoot the TMZ photographers that will be sneaking around his house at night. And maybe an electric fence to keep Mel Gibson away, because... well, it's just a smart precaution for anybody these days.

  • Tomas Scheckter Uncensored []
    This won't spark any controversy at all. You can count on it.

  • Meet Your 2011 INDYCAR Sponsors… [the_race_gIRL]
    I was worried that Monica was going to go all LEGIT on us, what with the Winter Indy Tweetup, the IndyCar PR get-together, etc. But you know what? NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!!!! And by that I mean Baby would kick your ass into next Thursday and leave a bootprint on your pancreas if you tried.

  • Bernard's Ladder [One Lap Down]
    I simply cannot imagine that Sage Karam has gone through his whole, short life without someone nicknaming him "Brush." But if he has, then THE STREAK IS OVER, KID, because I totally am going to start calling him that. Of course, he'll probably beat me bloody and unconscious with the Borg-Warner Trophy when he wins Indy in a couple of years, but it will have been worth it.

  • Santa Foyt Will Smash Your Christmas Dreams with a Table Saw [The Darkened Tower]
    Sometimes, a title says it all.

What Hobbson Was Censored For This Week

"Sex drive," "man-sword," "black tar heroin," and "Captain Thundersack."

Final Thoughts

Kudos to Stephanie Wallcraft of More Front Wing for giving birth to Madeline Elizabeth this week, and for not strangling the entire maternity ward in blind agony after an 11-pound baby emerged from her.