Proving that nobody reads or cares about my Amazon Wishlist, apparently I am required by Word Butcher International Law to write a hopeful and sure-to-be-ignored list of things I want Santa Claus to bring me on December 25th.
Now, I know for a fact that Santa Claus is about as likely to do something about what I write in a blog wishlist as God is likely to help Joey Votto hit that clutch home run. But there's enough random chance in the world that, if I do commit this stuff to pixels, some of it might actually happen.
So, without further ado, here's my "Dear Santa" post. I'll be CC'ing this to the Flying Spaghetti Monster as well (may His Noodly Appendage touch you all during this saucy, piratey season!).
Hey Santa! All I Want For Christmas Is...
- ...for someone to arrest the "Christmas Shoes" kid. I'm pretty sure he's running a black market shoe operation and preying on kind-hearted shoe store merchants to keep his stock high. Dead mom? Yeah right. NOT UNTIL I SEE THE BODY!
- ...an act of civil disobedience against any radio station playing "Last Christmas" by Wham! Bonus points are available to those who target "All I Want For Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey, any version of any holiday song by Aaron Neville or Whitney Houston, and "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." Also? Instant Nobel Peace Prize award for whoever kicks Paul McCartney in the balls for writing "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime."
- ...a Twitter account for A.J. Foyt made up of surreptitiously transcribed sound bites from his everyday conversations, later to be bound into hard copy with the title, "Shit My Foyt Says."
- ...a sponsorship for Jon Summerton from Dr. Phil or Stuart Smalley.
- ...eight-inch platform shoes for Ryan Briscoe for the next time he tries to pick a fight with Justin Wilson.
- ...an all-expense-paid (and one-way) plane ticket for Milka Duno to Venezuela.
- ...a Mug ‘n' Bun franchise in Phoenix. Will also accept Steak ‘n' Shake.
- ...a job with IndyCar PR for Roy Hobbson. Nothing against the current staff, but I think the last hump we have to clear on the road to international supremacy is a touch of batshit insanity.
- ...a pair of F-14-style swing-wings for Pressdog's work computer with a cool throttle-style hand trigger hooked up to a Global Industrial 36" high-velocity floor fan so he can feel the wind in his hair - or, rather, what's left of his hair - when the schwerve is on full.
- ...a gift certificate for a prop comedy seminar for Jack Arute by anyone other than Carrot Top or Gallagher.
- ...a sound-deadening veil for Ashley Judd's floppy hat.
- ...a gift idea for Roger Penske, but don't expend too much effort on that because he already owns everything - including your sleigh, your reindeer, your toy factory, and the intellectual property rights to Christmas Spirit.
- ...an IndyCar ride for Pippa Mann, along with a "Sadie Hawkins Day" where she gets to inflict a day's worth of excruciating physical torment on her PitFit trainers.
- ...a notarized certificate of USAC relevance for Robin Miller's stocking so he'll finally have it on paper.
- ...Paul Tracy offering a month of express door-to-door taxi service to work for Meeshbeer.
- ...a budget in actual US currency to pay my writers. Big Macs and shakes only go so far.
- ...a new job for Brian Barnhart as director of the American Tea Party.
- ...everything to be 110% awesome this year for Pat Caporali, because seriously, how amazing is she??
- ...free poutine for a year for Steph Wallcraft and her beautiful new daughter Maddy. Also, a couple of months R&R to let Steph recover from giving birth to a professional-weight bowling ball.
- ...one week of the "TMZ treatment" for Marco Andretti to show him just how empty and pathetic that life really is.
- ...a visit to VERSUS from the Comcast Blue Fairy to turn the network into a real boy (i.e. NBC Sports Channel).
- ...a safe, happy 2011 for all of my friends in and around IndyCar racing.