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The Paddock Pulse: May 19 Edition

Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

Before we get into the links for this week's Paddock Pulse, I owe a debt to the seriously-too-pretty-to-be-a-blogger Monica Hilton that I wish to repay. I don't actually know what that debt is, but the way she looks at me from her Twitter picture, I can tell that I owe her something.

Anyway, Monica (a.k.a. the_race_gIRL) has asked that the International Word Butchers' Union (Local 346) help spread the word about the May Indy Tweetup which is promising to be the pièce de résistance of all get-togethers at the Speedway this month. Take a look at the event schedule and tell me that I'm wrong. Even better - since I won't be able to make it owing to a family vacation that, despite all my best efforts to weasel out of it, will be forcing me to miss all of the festivities, the May Indy Tweetup will be that much more awesome for those of you who show up! Seriously. I'm a total downer.

So with that in mind, click the jump for this week's assortment of Blog Heaven...

  • It's Not the Month of May Until Ed Hinton Bashes Indianapolis [Drive Hard, Turn Left]
    I post this link as a public service to anyone who wishes to rely on Ed Hinton for history lessons. If you choose to go this route, be prepared to make the following changes in your understanding of reality: Ed was the first person ever to think of soft walls; Ed was Dale Earnhardt's best friend; Ed warned JFK about driving around Dallas in a convertible; Ed tried to keep Monica Lewinsky out of the White House; etc. For more information, please contact the Ed Hinton Revisionist History Society, LLC. You'll thank me later.

  • Indianapolis 500 opening-day practice was a big hit with 4-year-old IndyCar Series fan [ESPN]
    By now, everyone knows that John Oreovicz could probably write that the sky is purple and that apples grow out of pigs' butts, and we'd still excuse him for it the moment we got a look at his freakishly adorable son Patrick. I'll have to remember that next time I accidentally unleash the Milkapocalypse on the blogosphere - "Hey! Have you seen my lovely 4-year-old daughter? Look at her smile!" Peng! Problem solved.

  • Thoughts on Opening Day at Indy [Indy Racing Revolution]
    I'm serious, Chris. I want to call you "Ponch" because someday we're going to write a series of articles together under the byline, "Ponch and Johns." It's CHiPs, dude! What? You weren't BORN when CHiPs was on the air??? (sounds of low, despondent moaning) This means I'm due for another prostate exam, doesn't it? Let me just finish trimming my ear hair and take my Geritol. Be right with you.

  • The Real Internet Will Not Keep Me Down [is it May yet?]
    NEWS FLASH, Will: yes it will. It will pin you down and laugh in your face like a maniacal Charlie Sheen. It will steal your valuables and spend the proceeds on getting absolutely wasted in front of the paparazzi like Lindsay Lohan (it also might turn out to be a pseudo-lesbian, but that all depends on the pop culture winds). It will paint you orange so that it can call you "Snooki." The Real Internet is capable of all of these things, Will. RUN.

  • Getting to know Bertrand Baguette [My Name Is IRL]
    Interviews are the bread and butter of the word butcher set, and may I just say that Jeff is on a roll lately. It's a real slice of reality, and Jeff doesn't loaf around with the standard questions. He leavens the interview with great open-ended questions that lets the subject rise to the occasion. The result is a nice, toasty-warm feature that is sure to satisfy anyone's appetite for good journalism. Someone really ought to be paying Jeff more dough.

  • 1992: My Return To The Indianapolis 500 [Oilpressure]
    George, George, George. How can you mention the 1992 Indianapolis 500 without mentioning that awesome pre-race video?? Didn't you watch that and just get chills? What? You were at the race? Oh. (crickets chirping) Thennnnnnnnnnnn well done, sir.

  • Planet-IRL to host IndyCar blogger forum at Indianapolis [Planet-IRL]
    Okay, dammit, I want to know why I wasn't invited to this -- oh, wait, here's an e-mail from Paul. "You are cordially invited to the IndyCar blogger forum at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Please meet us at the restrooms outside the Northwest Vista grandstands. Make sure you bring your own mop." YES!! I knew I was important enough to be invited!! Hear that, beeyotches? I'm hitting the big-time!!!! FACE!

  • John Andretti Loves to Feel 16 Again []
    What's totally awesome about this article title is that John Andretti not only feels like he's 16, he actually LOOKS 16. Come on, the guy is about three feet tall and has as many wrinkles on him as the outside of a haggis. He still gets carded when he goes out to buy liquor. MARCO looks older than he does. Fortunately, the gaunt, death's head grin of his Indy 500 partner Richard Petty more than tips the scales in that respect. Seriously - the guy looks like he drove chariot races in ancient Rome.

  • Am I Living the Foyt Life? (May 18th Edition) [The Silent Pagoda]
    Dear sweet ghost of Tony Hulman - can we please add this feature to IMS Radio all year round?

Final Thoughts

Did I mention May Indy Tweetup? I did? Okay. Well, check this out: