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The Paddock Pulse: July 28 Edition

Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

Come, fellow travelers, let us traipse anew down the path towards Blogtopia, that wondrous and highly narcotized realm which makes Puff the Magic Dragon's hometown look like a latrine bucket straight from The Suck.

This week, we have all the usual suspects and they're all talking about one thing: CREAMED CORN. That stuff will block you up like no one's busines-- what? You said "blockage." Ohhhhhhhh. "BlockING." That makes more sense now. I was getting worried about you there for a minute.

Links following a very tiny jump.

  • Making the Rules Transparent [Drive Hard, Turn Left]
    "Making the rules transparent" is corporate-speak for "Please, dear friends, we do not wish to look like jackasses because we don't own personal copies of your secret society regulations, so send someone to explain what the hell is going on instead of letting things stew while we blow our tops for, it turns out, no particularly good reason." See? Corporate shorthand DOES sometimes work. Next week: what "upselling" REALLY means.

  • Embrace the controversy? [Indy Racing Revolution]
    Ponch - sorry, CHRISTOPHER Ponch - has been on top of this whole Helio blocking controversy from the first ill-considered shake of Security Chief Charles' collar. He seems to think that there's no such thing as bad publicity and that a little controversy could only help IndyCar. To which I say, ABSOLUTELY. Look what it's done for Mel Gibson! MAD MAX LIIIIIIIIIVES!

  • Willy T. Ribbs Report: Edmonton [The Silent Pagoda]
    This Brody Boreheart person that Hobbson brings up reminds me of someone. The name seems familiar. So does the dialogue. But MAN is it ever hard to figure out who he might be talking about. Here, wait a minute, let me think. (tap tap tap) Okay, I've totally got it. TOM HANKS!

  • Brian And Helio: Not A Love Story [Oilpressure]
    No offense to George - I usually include one of his columns - but come ON. IANNUCCI! JEFF FRIGGIN' IANNUCCI, DUDE!! I'm contractually obligated by THE BIG GUY HIMSELF (that's right, God is my co-editor) to publish links to anything Da Newch lets slip from his febrile fingers. George understands, right? Totally owe you a tenderloin. I'll pay you later.

  • The Block: What’s the real issue? [Planet-IRL]
    What's the real issue, Stephanie? I'll TELL you the real issue, woman! YOU FORGOT TO SEND ME POUTINE! Remember how I published a link to your story over Paul's last week and thus suffered the agony of DALBEY DISDAIN? For that, I feel like I was owed a serving of poutine, stuffed haphazardly into a legal-sized envelope and sent via St. Bernard, or whatever you Canadians use for mail services these days, to my house so I could taste the manila-tasting sweetness of POUTINE. Fine, never mind, just send me a moose.

  • I like the Rule -- Just Say No to "Defending" []
    Pressdog barks in on the side of the Iron Hand of Justice this time, and he explains why. Problem is, if you're going to side with Brian Barnhart, the reasons why are NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. That's the way he rolls, brother. And by rolls, I mean ROLLS. Literally. Like when your brother used to play "Steamroller" and suffered a "breakdown" while his hairy armpit was strategically placed in your face so you had a pleasant whiff of Right Guard and late-afternoon football practice. Did I mention I need therapy?

  • In Case You’re Confused: Brickyard Edition [the_race_gIRL]
    Monica watched a full hour of local Indianapolis TV pre-race coverage of Sunday's Brickyard 400. Yes, you read that right. The fact that she was on a treadmill at the time and that walking on a treadmill is boring enough that you could actually watch paint dry and be entertained? IMMATERIAL. Next thing you know, Monica will be watching Stroker Ace. WE MUST STOP THIS WHILE SHE'S YOUNG AND STILL IMPRESSIONABLE!

  • Is Will Power the racing equivalent of Kurt Warner? [Versus/Hobbson]
    Do you know what is more frightening than Roy Hobbson running towards you with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand, a Malaysian fertility pole in the other, and a sleeveless wife-beater shirt that has "JUSTIN BIEBER IS MY SOULMATE" festooned on the chest? That same Roy Hobbson writing a story with actual attributed quotes from real people. Good GOD people! Has the world gone INSANE???

  • Hate The Rule…Not The Enforcement! [You Don't Know Jack]
    Jack had a rough day on Sunday. His original collection of illustrative props (a ladybug, seven bottles of Strawberry Cristal soda from Mexico, a pumice stone and an Amana toaster oven straight out of 1975) was turned down by ABC in favor of a washboard. Then he had to watch Helio get "jobbed" (his word, not mine - I'd have said "flummoxed") by race control. What's next, an embargo on Terminator shades? IT'S TOO BRIGHT FOR RAY-BANS!

Final Thoughts

The greatest thing ever in the history of anything was the look on Security Chief Charles Burns' face when Helio Castroneves grabbed him by the collar and screamed at him like a rabid Ricky Ricardo for fifteen seconds. You don't mess with Security Chief Charles. Security Chief Charles needs his own website full of quotes that one-up Chuck Norris because he's that much cooler than Chuck - particularly since Chuck has inherited the Hollywood-star-who-transitioned-from-acting-to-right-wing-asshattery mantle from the late Charlton Heston.