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The Paddock Pulse: July 7 Edition

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Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

We have a great selection of links for you this week. Boy, I'm feeling good about this. We are really on a roll lately with the quality of our content here at Pop Off Valve --


Sonofajackwagon. See what happens when unqualified people get in the way?

This week's links after the jump.

  • A 2013 Chassis Would Actually Make Sense [Drive Hard, Turn Left]
    So my buddy Bill says that although, according to Tom Petty, "Waiting Is The Hardest Part" about delaying the IndyCar chassis decision until 2013, it might actually make sense. But there's something "I Need To Know": why should I "Surrender" and have a "Change of Heart"? "Don't Do Me Like That," Bill. Saying "It'll All Work Out" will cause a "Breakdown." "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around"! "I Won't Back Down," man - because I'm "Runnin' Down a Dream"! IndyCar is "Free Fallin'" "Into the Great Wide Open" with the old equipment, and people are saying "Don't Come Around Here No More." We need "The Best of Everything" now or IndyCar will fall "Straight Into Darkness." BOOM!

  • Lord Randall Bernard, Officially Metal [is it May yet?]
    Of all the takes on the Indiana Business Journal's recent spate of hard-hitting journalism birdcage-liner material, I like this one the best. Is it because of the awesome Photoshop work? Is it because of the cow-killing? No. NO! It is because I live just down the street from 668, The Neighbor of the Beast, and every time he gets press he throws MASSIVE keggers to celebrate. SKOL!

  • No "Chase" Needed Here [Oilpressure]
    Here's my question. What exactly would the IndyCar drivers "chase" if an open-wheel version of NASCAR's championship system was put in place? I'll tell you what - TENDERLOINS. I mean, hell, there are already four trophies available for the taking in IndyCar - not including the ones given out at each race - and who has the mantle space for more?? No, awarding Mug 'N' Bun tenderloin sandwiches... that, friends, is a true Holy Grail.

  • Should IndyCar "Park Milka?" []
    I have it on good authority that the "Park Milka" movement is actually a spelling mistake - turns out that it started out as the brainchild of a drunken race fan who, after an evening drowning his liver with 27 cases of Colt 45 Malt Liquor, announced to the universe that he wanted to "pork Milka." If you think that's tasteless, wait until you hear what his version of "cockfighting" is.

  • Whoa! [You Don't Know Jack]
    "The Leatherman" wasn't happy about this past weekend's IndyCar race at Watkins Glen. Why? BECAUSE NOBODY HUNG A BOWLING BALL FROM THEIR HEADS. If you can't dangle a Brunswick 16-pounder from your noggin, then how the hell are you going to be able to cover a race competently? I won't even get into the lack of cheese graters. It's like nobody at ABC knows anything about broadcasting! No, but seriously, ABC sucked.

  • Mid-Season Report Card [SPEED/Robin Miller]
    Oh-ho-HO. What irony! Robin Miller giving a report card to IndyCar? The same guy who flunked out of Ball State? What is education coming to these days?? But I digress. Click on this article because you need to see history made - to wit, the 25,000th PBR-related pun regarding Randy Bernard! No bull, Miller cannot be cowed by pressure because he is udderly convinced about what's at steak! *GUNSHOT*

  • Willy T. Ribbs Report: Watkins Glen [The Silent Pagoda]
    I was going to recap this article, but then I decided to follow ABC Sports' example because it's much easier. So here goes: WORDS ON SCREEN SAY FUNNY THINGS AND WAS WROTE BY HOBB ROYSON. DANICA! DANICA! DANICA! You're welcome.

Final Thoughts

You really should support Ryan Hunter-Reay's new sponsor partner I try to be funny most of the time around here, but there's one thing I'm deadly serious about, and that is the fact that cancer sucks.