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INDYCAR: The Paddock Pulse (September 29 Edition)

Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

I was thinking of delaying this week's Paddock Pulse because of its proximity to last night's missive about the new IndyCar championship trophy. I was dissuaded from doing so, however, by a dream I had in which Watchmen's Dr. Manhattan rode up to me on a one-wheeled Segway, pointed to me (I won't tell you with what) and told me that if I didn't get the Pulse out the door post-haste that he would bring his buddies over to my house and beat me with a thick piece of African wood.

True story.

A dream it might have been, but it scared me enough that I present to you this hastily-cobbled-together edition of the Pulse. I HAVE A FAMILY, YOU STRANGE BALD NUDISTS WITH THE SCARY SCARY FINGERCLAWS!

Links after the jump...

  • The Hidden Points of Edmonton [Drive Hard, Turn Left]
    Bill Potter plays Debbie Downer for us, basically saying that we can't blame Brian Barnhart and IndyCar Race Control for Helio not being in the championship battle at Homestead. DAMMIT, BILL. Don't you know how essential a scapegoat is to the whole process of motorsports punditry??? We don't deal well with personal accountability.

  • Lotus confirms new bodywork for 2012 [Indy Racing Revolution]
    I'm assuming that Lotus is going to be sponsoring KV Racing because Lotus' bodywork builders need to recoup the cost of designing the aero kit. What better way to do that than to back a team whose three drivers have a propensity for destroying race cars? I figure it will take them at most 1/4 of the 2012 season to make that money back. BANK ON IT! (Oh, bad puns, is there nothing you cannot put a period on?)

  • IndyCar Community College Releases Fall Schedule [The Silent Pagoda]
    All I can say is that the soundtrack for ICCC had better have Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" playing on an endless loop over the loudspeakers. Even more awesome? Having Helio Castroneves doing the "William Shatner Spoken Word" version of the bridge from "Panama": "I cane feel da heet from day road coming ahp..." LEGENDARY.

  • COUNTERPOINT: The 2010 IZOD IndyCar Series champion [More Front Wing]
    SPOILER ALERT - Paul and Steph pick two different drivers to be the 2010 IndyCar champion. What they don't tell us is what they will say when forced to hoist the new champion's trophy over their head if they win. My money's on, "I hope this thing doesn't pee on me."

  • Making An Unpopular Confession [Oilpressure]
    George has some great columns over at Oilpressure this week, but I picked this one to highlight in the Paddock Pulse because IT COULD GET HIM FLAME-BOMBED! I am living proof that it is often healthy for writers to get attacked by readers. It happens to me all the time. And am I affected by it? CERTAINLY NOT!!!! *breaks down in the most sickening, convulsive womanly sobs ever heard* YOU HURT MY HEART! YOU HURT MY HEART!

  • and IndyCar: Art meets speed [IndyCar Official Blog]
    Here's a story proving that art doesn't have to involve mostly-naked dudes on unicycles. Me, I'd love to have one of these lithographs on my wall. It's the next best thing to having the drivers themselves hanging on my wall; unfortunately, that will never happen thanks to that stupid restraining order. FIGHT THE POWER!

  • Danica's Catch 22: IndyCar or NASCAR [Versus/Olson]
    Me, I'd have gone with the "Solomon's Choice" metaphor, since Danica basically split her racing career baby in half and gave one half to NASCAR and the other to IndyCar. The irony is that nobody complained (like the purported baby mama in the Solomon story) because everyone was *PUTS ON SUNGLASSES* already used to Danica's cleavage. YEAAAAAAAAAGH!

  • Kisss My %^% Miller’s Mailbag & Scott From NH [You Don't Know Jack]
    Now, I don't know if Jack Arute was drunk when he typed this out, but it sure reads more entertainingly if you picture him banging away at his keyboard with a fifth of Ketel One by his side and muttering imprecations under his breath. Then, of course, he'd stumble off to bed singing "Old Gray Mare" and retreat to disturbing dreams of Bruce Martin's goatee trying to teach him geography.

Final Thoughts

I know I'm supposed to be impartial about this championship deal, but I really really want Will Power to win this year because of how awesome Verizon's activation has been, and I want to see more ads with Power in them. How cool would it be if some savvy marketer at Verizon came up with a campaign with Power riffing on the new IICS trophy? It'd bring a whole new meaning to the term "Little Gator," I tell you what.