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The Paddock Pulse: January 5 Edition

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Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody!!! Did you blow off any fingers or toes with poorly-judged fireworks usage? Cheat death by nearly aspirating your own vomit after a three-hour liver-killing booze bender? Decide to adopt the Krispy Kreme diet in the hopes of losing those pesky holiday pounds?

Me, well, I resolved to publish the Paddock Pulse this week after missing last week due to illness. When it comes to New Year's resolutions, me, I aim high, Jack.

Anyway, my apologies to my fellow basement-dwelling sentence-manglers out there for failing to deliver your holiday bump in page views. It's almost as bad of a Christmas present as the set of lawn bowling equipment I got (at least ugly ties can be used as, I dunno, eyeglass cleaners or something).

Let's get this new year started in style! Or, alternately, just hit the jump for the links.

  • "The Most Important Race in History"? [15 Days in May]
    You know what's awesome? Coming up with a nickname for a fellow word-butcher and then forgetting it. Combine that with being too lazy to look it up in the article archive, and you have the makings of THIS. Anyway, I was thinking I could call Mike "Fileshare" - you know, his last name's Knapp, thence "Knappster," which leads to "Fileshare." Whaddya think? (crickets)

  • Six Quick Questions With Joel Miller [IndyCar Advocate]
    A word of advice for Zachary here. It might be time to reconsider the use of the term "Quick" in the title of this feature. Perhaps, consider the words "Probing," "Expoundable," "Fascinating," "E-mailed," or "Involuntary" as alternates. But "Quick" tends to be inaccurate the closer an article gets to 1,500 words, is what I'm saying. BLOGS DON'T EARN BUCKAGE PER WORD! (I should know, because if they did I'd be richer than Bernie Ecclestone!!)

  • Uncertainty Abounds At Newman/Haas [Oilpressure]
    George does not believe in one team hoarding all of the "ZOMG THEY'LL BE OUT OF BUSINESS IN A WEEK!!!" mojo like Andretti Autosport was so selfishly doing a couple of weeks ago. Spread the wealth, you selfish bastards! Thankfully, Newman/Haas apparently abounds with uncertainty, which is a relief because I think otherwise Andretti could have been sued for trying to corner the market. I'm sure the folks at N/H are thrilled to help out.

  • The Rise of Twitter in IndyCar Part I — and a Bulldog Shall Lead Them []
    Because Bill is determined to ignore the accepted word-butcher tradition of not making everyone else look like skill-less yutzes, he begins the New Year with this multi-part and actually-researched series about Twitter and IndyCar. I don't know about you, but this indicates that his first 2011 resolution was to be the recipient of a jealous swirlie from the rest of the blogging community (delivered, of course, with admiring expressions on our faces).

  • Pass, Fail Or Incomplete [SPEED/Pruett]

  • This Ought To Get You Simulated [One Lap Down]
    Between the jaw-droppingly erotic Dallara racing simulator and the even more jaw-droppingly erotic Olivia Wilde decked out in body-sucking TRON leather and accent lighting... well, let's just say that if your hormones aren't spewing out of your tear ducts and you're not feeling lightheaded and seeing spots, then you probably need to chop up your racing geek membership card. (I can't be the only one who has one of those, can I?)

  • Crash & Learn [Versus/Olson]
    Hey Mike Conway! You almost tore down the IMS catchfence and became a viral video subject for the rest of your life! What are you going to do now? "I'M GOING TO METHODIST (for excruciatingly painful surgery and months of agonizing rehab)!!!!" BOOM. Just saved Jeff a bunch of column space! I suggest using the surplus for a free-form rambling poetic odyssey about the seductive powers of Turtle Wax.

Final Thoughts

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? No? SUCK IT UP, NANCY.