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The Paddock Pulse: March 21 Edition

Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

I was all set to write a season preview for the 2012 IZOD IndyCar Series season - until I put together the Pulse links for this week and found that there were no less than SIX of them already in the hopper from the blogosphere.

You could argue that this phenomenon could make for an interesting psychological case study about the prognosticatory powers of IndyCar bloggers, but if you did I would slap you in the face with a giant salmon.

Anyway, given that my pals in the 'sphere have you covered with "LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRUUUMMMBLLLLLE," I figure I will buck the trend and advise you to just have a nice relaxing weekend playing outside while the weather is still nice and temperate, connect with your family members, do those odd jobs around the house you've been putting off OH WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING WALL YOURSELF UP IN YOUR TV ROOM AND PISS INTO JARS RATHER THAN LEAVE THE ROOM AND POWER-SLAM NACHOS AND BEER UNTIL YOU CAN'T MOVE WITHOUT FIREHOSE-BARFING INTO THE CARPET!!! IT'S ST. PETE, MAN!!!!

But I'm not excited or anything.

Frenetic Friday -- Fearless Predictions for 2012 [15 Days in May]
Mike is very smart here and restricts himself to only a handful of prognostications. On the downside, we never do find out who he thinks will be the first to be spun out by Helio Castroneves.

Equinox [Ground(ed) Effects]
For a second here, I thought there was going to be some oblique reference to Quetzalcoatl and how, during the equinox, the shadow of Tony Kanaan's nose against Rubens Barrichello's left shoulder blade made the outline of a giant rabbit.

Zack’s Team-By-Team IndyCar Season Preview [IndyCar Advocate]
Out of all the facts put together in this comprehensive blog post, perhaps the most salient is that it's "Zack," not "Zach." Shit. *retroactively changes, like, five hundred Paddock Pulse posts*

2012 season preview... [Indy Race Place]
"The Meh." Sounds like a great hipster band name. Betcha the opening act is "The Unconscionable Argyle."

All-American teams poised to fill a long-lamented void [More Front Wing]
Gotta hand it to Steph, MFW's resident Canadian - she's got the rah-rah spirit of American nationalism nailed. Well, except the fact that she didn't type this wearing an American flag bikini while holding a steaming giant turkey leg and a bacon-flavored soda. NOT READY FOR THAT CITIZENSHIP TEST YET, STEPH!!

Connecting to a new audience, one snail at a time [New Track Record]
The question nobody is asking about the new animated film Turbo is, "Is it true that this damned snail is going to be faster than an actual IndyCar?" I haven't shot many guns, but I think I know what a backfire is.

These Aren’t The First Enclosed Wheels [Oilpressure]
You know, George, if you take the pitchforks away from the rabble, how the hell are they going to form a decent mob? SHEESH.

Notes Taken During the 2012 F1 Australian Grand Prix []
If you stayed for the DYB shot glasses, these race notes posts are why you came to in the first place. Bill CUES THE CIRCUS MUSIC for F1 this week, probably played by a chamber music quartet blitzed out of their minds on highballs, brie, and swimsuit-clad grid girl ass.

INDYCAR: 2012 Season Preview, Pt. 1 [SPEED/Pruett]
So Marshall says, "I see your cute little blog season previews and RAISE YOU THIS MASSIVE BHAGAVAD GITA OF A SEASON PREVIEW that comes in a finely-hardbound coffee table set of 16 books!" No, but really, Marshall is very detailed.

Fact Or Fiction: 25 IndyCar Storylines for the 2012 Season, Part 1 [US Race Report]
Is it me, or is this blog piece's title suspiciously similar to a Meat Loaf album title?

Let’s STOP The Teenage Carnage On Our Highways and Roadways [WideOpenWheel]
I think this program is noble, but as Rick Perry has told us all, ABSTINENCE is the only truly effective remedy! (In other words, NO, dammit, you CANNOT have the car keys to drive to Sonic. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TWO BLOCKS AWAY.)

Driver Tweet of the Week

@jacobwilson07: Breaking: With the signing of Peyton Manning, the Denver Broncos must drop their status as a rugby team to rejoin the NFL by the Preseason.

Last But Not Least

There are certain skills best acquired in public bars, I suppose.