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The Paddock Pulse: May 9 Edition

Paddock Pulse Splash
Paddock Pulse Splash

Coming into the Month of May, it seems as though that we have a bit of division about whether or not this year's Indy 500 will be as "classic" as it has been in years past. To that end, there's been a bit of infighting amongst the fans about whether the glass is half full or filled with liquid despair and decroded feces.

With this in mind, I believe that the best way to inaugurate the festivities at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway this year is a paraphrase of that great American philosopher (and, tragically, Chicago Blackhawks fan) Clark W. Griswold, to wit:

I think you're all f***ed in the head! We're a couple of weeks from the green flag and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a MOTOR RACE, it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun, we're all gonna have so much f***ing fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our g******n smiles! You'll be whistling "Back Home Again" out of your a**holes! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a milk bottle! Praise Gomer Pyle! Oh, sh*t!

Remember that the next time you lose your marbles and click around to see what the Legions of the Miserable (© George Phillips, all rights reserved) are saying lately.

When I Think of the Term "Strategic Alliance"... [15 Days in May]
Mike is a big fan of Panther/Dreyer & Reinbold's new logo. Me, I'm not sold. It kinda looks like a panther-headed afro pick stabbing a guy SO HARD in the ribs that he's coated in blood and waving a checkered flag desperately to flag down an ambulance. But maybe that's what they were going for...?

What Indy Means [anotherindycarblog]
Eric waxes rhapsodic about Indianapolis, but what I didn't find out is whether he waxed ON or waxed OFF. It makes a huge difference, especially if someone has a roundhouse kick aimed at your junk. HELP ME, MR. MIYAGI!!

Six Quick Questions With Bryan Clauson [IndyCar Advocate]
I was about ready to let fly with a very punny reference to Johnny Carson's classic bit featuring Art Fern trying to give directions to the Slauson Cutoff (CUT OFF YOUR CLAUSON! See? GET IT? HAR.)... then I remembered that maybe three people even remember a "Tonight Show" before Jay Leno. Damnable youngsters.

Not this year [More Front Wing]
Considering how thoughtful and deeply felt this blog post is, I'd probably be better off if I didn't mention the spectacularly phallic photo of the IMS scoring pylon that accompanies the article.

Ten Worthless Opinions – The Shawshank Redemption Edition [New Track Record]
I think this post matching "Shawshank Redemption" quotes to the Month of May is extremely clever. I'm also glad that Mark didn't try to find an analogue for the part when Andy is explaining why jaw rigor makes killing someone in the act of fellatio a bad idea.

Should Jean Alesi Race In The 500? [Oilpressure]
It's a testament to how INTRACTABLE George is that he somehow thinks a near-50-year-old ex-F1 driver who has never driven on an oval and whose last open-wheel experience was over a decade ago trying to race at Indianapolis with a rookie team powered by a Judd-built Lotus engine could possibly be a bad idea. PESSIMIST.

Indianapolis Motor Speedway; Heaven On Earth [Open Wheel America]
I love Indy, don't get me wrong - but if IMS is indeed heaven on earth, then they need to get some frickin' angelic janitors for race day. I mean, have you SEEN the Coke lot?

Uncle pressdog's Fireside Chat -- On TurboGate, Cameron and Other Matters []
I am starting to think I should just reserve a spot every week for Uncle Pressdog's Fireside Chats. Any blog post that goes on for four pages and includes a beer mug, Will McCarty's Death Star graphic, and a giant photo of Cameron Haven in it deserves admiration.

Promenade to left.... [Rev Limiter]
This is a very brief blog post, largely (allegedly) due to the fact that by the time Joel got around to asking for answers about some very "iffy" INDYCAR partnerships, he was abducted by some very burly yellow-shirted gentlemen driving a windowless Chevy van.

The Month of Mayhem… Part 1 [So… here’s what I’m thinking…]
Meesh is one of my favorite people. She is opinionated, has a Vulcanized tongue, and is as relentlessly loyal a friend as you could ever find. Which is why I hope she doesn't get offended when I kick her ass to Saskatoon for comparing the Indy 500 to Danica Patrick. Although the thought of the yard of bricks in a skimpy thong IS somewhat weirdly enticing. What would you call that... brickstiality?

Inside The Dragon/Lotus Lawsuit [SPEED]
I hear tell this will end up being a special episode of INDYCAR 36 with reenactments from the cast of "L.A. Law" - partially because the cast finds it hard to get work 20 years after their show was relevant, and also because that show fits the era from which many of IMS' musical acts were popular. HA-CHAHHHHH!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year [the_race_gIRL]
Make no mistake - sometimes optimism is the best course if the alternative is getting your ass handed to you figuratively (and possibly literally) by a fiery knuckle-cracking Monica Hilton. Is skepticism worth EIGHT WEEKS OF BED REST?

Driver Tweet of the Week

@Hinchtown: I think my next career will be writing product description blurbs for SkyMall magazine. They clearly need help.

Last But Not Least

Round up the usual suspects.